these little rocks of Christ

Love in a Song

2008-09-01T00:04:00.003+08:00

This is a song that I felt every word was really meaningful and deep.

Sometimes when we touch by Dan Hill

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xnyHG96vY8

Joel

Childlike!

2007-09-04T21:05:00.000+08:00

Haha I really love this picture of this aunty with her cute boy!

Went through many thought processes for the past few days but haven't been disciplined enough to pen them down. The two main things I want to talk about is regarding the child in every individual and about the movie- Evan Almighty!

For tonight I will just be touching on,

Child in every individual:

At night, I went for my platoon gathering at East Coast Chalet. I was playing pool with my friends over there and I stayed behind to wait for my parents to pick me up when the game was over.

What happened next was nostalgic and amusing. (in a positive way of course)

There was a group of children that took over the pool table. I had a great time looking at them (not that I am paedophilic) trying REALLY really hard getting just one ball in. They seem so contented and carefree playing though we know they probably do not know any techniques or the rules to play a game of pool to begin with. Neither were they bothered with the fact that they took around 15 mins just to get a ball in.

It was then that I was thinking, "how wonderful and happy to be a child!" There must be reasons why Jesus places so much emphasis on children and perhaps has a very special place for them in His heart.

I realised that as we mature, we have our worries and having to treat things seriously(like duh, Joel, we have to behave like adults). We have a natural tendency to carry ourselves professionally or being sensible when we meet strangers/ new people.

Definitely, there is a need for us to handle things maturely, on a more serious note to maintain the discipline and structure of our society.

However, I feel really sad for those who has lost the child in them and has covered it with many layers of stuff. I am sure all of you had experienced those people who has the ALL work NO play policy, or seem to have a "special" ability to "suck up" any happiness from any atmosphere the moment they enter.

I believe there is a child in us, perhaps somewhere deep in our hearts. Okay, perhaps a little deeper. Whenever there is an opportunity, let's reveal a little bit of that child in us each day. I am sure any environment will then be a more pleasant place to be in.

After all, we are Children of God, not Adults of God.

God bless,

Joel

Your identity? my identity? huh?

2007-08-31T22:24:00.000+08:00

I have unknowingly discovered a bit more about myself. I have realised the difficulty and the immense effort (including a great leap of faith of course) needed to build my self esteem through the identity I have in Christ. There are a myriad of factors and things that people built their self esteem on.

Be it just pure ego thinking they are so darn good, feeling great just having a stack of money, accumulating achievements etc. I realised how subtly I was influenced by them as well. It feels really good, being visually satisfied and proud when I see myself having loads of money or imaging myself being free on a date with a pretty, sweet girl. Having them are definitely good stuff but I feel my main drive/motivation and the centre of my self esteem must not be built on such stuff. I find it pretty amusing how I need them to lift my self- esteem up at times.

Looking back, many individuals based their self esteem similar to mine. I believe that striving for all these are definitely part and parcel of life, but it becomes depressing if people changes their principles and core values in pursue for such things.

It has always been a constant struggle for me and with the aim to place Jesus in the centre (not out of the centre with other stuff). I shall "strive to enter through the narrow gate"-Luke 13:24, waiting for the day where He will say "Well done, good and faithful servant!".

Joel

God sends: His chosen people

2007-04-15T17:18:00.000+08:00

This entry came about due to one of my reflections that I had during Easter and something that I would like to hold on to for a very long time.

In the past (When I was around 7 years old), I was this spoilt little kid with a ponytail and had no friends around me. You can say that I didn't have a happy childhood or must be wondering how ridiculous it is for someone to have no friends at all. Sadly, it is true and I spent 8 years living in loneliness and I could say that I had been through loads of shit, perhaps even swimming through pools of it through these 8 years.

I had a lovely family. They loved me but the fact that they couldn't understand me and parents do not really pay much attention to little kids in general. Hence, I was on this road of pain on my own.

Once or twice, I thought I made friends. However, it always turned out to be false hope, resulting in a backstab or being used as a joke. Days... Weeks... Years... had passed and hurts had been accumulating throughout the years and made me into a youth that hated the world and profanities came out of my mouth ASAP.

Hated God, wanted to end it all....

Walking towards His Marvellous Light

God showed me His Light when I went through the cathechism's classes in Sec 2-3 and met a group of true friends whom decided to be with me despite of my vulgarities and my rotten-ness.

I began to change. Slowly but surely.

2003 was the year of conversion for me

I had this teacher that guided me to establish a personal relationship with HIM. I had a teacher that cared and loved me. Besides that, I met many people that became my close friends and helped me to build a strong foundation.

My eldest brother, always by my side to guide me and help me.

Clement, my second altar boy brudda! , to assist me when I am in need. Anytime, Any where

2006, met my da jie- Jules, allowed me to be saturated in my abilities.

All these people, I treasured these gifts from God and given a big portion of my heart to them and to my parents. I am really thankful for you guys, for always being with me and standing by me.

I am glad I had experienced much, for now I am able to love much.

Thank You, Lord

Joel

God: the want to end all wants

2007-03-29T18:16:00.000+08:00

i was reflecting on my shopping habits today, and something struck me.

i never run out of things that i want. i never run out of tops that i want, new skirts that i see and then want, earrings, jeans, sweaters, everything. everytime i go shopping, there's something new i want almost immediately after picking up the things i'd wanted previously.

i'm never satisfied.

take my soci test, for example. after the test, i knew i didn't do so good, and i knew that it was one of those papers i'd be lucky to get a B for. but when i got my paper back yesterday and saw a B+ scribbled at the bottom margin, my heart just sank and disappointment flashed through me. the plus wasn't significant, the fact that i got the B i knew i'd be lucky to get didn't mean anything to me - at that point in time, i just felt disappointed that it wasn't an A. there and then, i'd wanted an A. nevermind the fact that the B was something i'd wanted before i got the test back, the moment i got the paper back and i managed to secure the B+, i began to wish it were an A.

wanting isn't wrong in itself. it's excessive wants that could cause slightly more trouble. when you keep wanting something new the moment you've fulfilled a previous need or want, you become greedy. some people label such people as driven. i think that at the end of the day, such people end up sad and empty.

all the material wants and success we crave come about because there's a gap in our lives that need to be filled, and we don't realise it. we don't realise why we feel so empty, we don't realise that the gap is too deep to be filled by the continuous fulfilling of wants, one after the other. we fail to realise that the achievement of the want isn't the end, it just brings about another want that we immediately seek to get, precisely because there's a deeper gap in our lives that all the fulfilling of material wants could never fill.

shopping for pretty things does put me in a good mood. i'll admit it. i like my shopping, i like my food, i like my good grades. i used to be a strong advocate of retail-therapy because i thought i always felt better after a good shopping trip. but what i just realised is that while i felt satisfaction at the moment i managed to get a good buy and satisfaction yet again when i come home and assess my wares for the day - the satisfaction doesn't last through the night. when i get up the next morning, the exhiliration of the previous day dissipates and i just want to shop again. same with food. i'm a foodie. i enjoy my food. eating good food makes me happy when i'm eating, especially crabs. when i'm eating crabs, i usually feel so good that i feel like i'm in heaven on earth. but the ecstatic experience ends when the crab ends, when i finish up my last crab claw. when i go to bed at night, i just feel full from the meal and the happiness no longer lingers. and when i get up the next morning, i just feel like shitting and eating again.

why don't i want the one want that will end all wants? the want to end all wants - God. when i'm fulfilled in God, when i fulfill that want and i find God, there will no longer be that crazy emptiness that comes with the non-stop fulfilling of a million and one material wants.

i'm tired of wanting continually. of always wanting more when i've gotten something i'd previously wanted. i think a lot of people are - that's why they get so caught up with fulfilling want after want after want in a supremely vicious cycle. but they don't see that fulfilling X number of material wants or success wants will never fill up the gap in their lives. never. X is infinity, there's no fixed answer. it's not like X = 1000 or anything like that. it's more like X = X+1.

good luck to you to figuring out that equation. i never got it while i was doing math in secondary school.

so today, i resolve to make God my want in my life right now. i can see the gap in my life, i know that filling it with any number of pretty tops or skirts ain't ever gonna make me completely satisfied. there'll always be a newer, prettier top that i want to buy.

i know that filling the gap in my life with any number of As for my modules isn't gonna help either. there'll always be that A+ i could've gotten for that module, even though both A and A+ carries a 5.0 weightage for cap computation. which essentially makes getting that A+ redundant, because it won't make a difference to my cap score. it's just something that i can get, something that i can want to get.

but i also know that filling up the gap in my life with God is the only thing that won't lead to wanting more. there isn't a God+ or prettier, newer God to get. God is God, he is more than enough for me.

*kel

because i love them so.

2007-03-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

i must admit, my past few days have been far from a happy joy-ride in God's spirit. while i am closer to my God than i have ever been before, life still hasn't suddenly become a bed of roses for me. and we all know it will never be like this. hardships will never disappear, pain will never cease to exist, issues will not solve themselves overnight.

within the span of the last few days, i completely fell apart for the first time in a long time. actually, it's more like within the span of a day. but well, the time period isn't important here. bottomline is, i hadn't so completely lost it till then, and it was and is a terribly scary time for me.

today passed by in a haze for me. i got lost coming back from CSC adoration room cos i took a couple of wrong turnings. and before i knew it, i realised i had no idea where i was. i wanted to go for Mass terribly, but i couldn't bring myself to go. and i missed God badly. i wanted to see him so badly. hence, decided to go for adoration. oh dear my thoughts are still all over the place. i'm still not all together yet, i think it's gonna take some time.

why am i sharing all these here?

because i want people to know that the walk with God is not gonna be easy. not at all. and even when we're doing what we think he wants us to do, we're liable to fall apart still. God's not some magic glue or insurance that has like, guarantees that you'll be oh-so-fine and happy all the time, 100% or your money back. we're people with so many vulnerabilities, too many vulnerabilities. we're liable and entitled to lose our way once in a while. it's not wrong to cry, it's not wrong to be weak, it's not wrong to admit that you're not okay. it's perfectly fine.

i'm not okay. i'm crying. i'm weak. i don't despise me. i know i'm gonna be fine. not now, not tomorrow even, maybe. i don't know when, but i know with quiet certainty.

asking God to take it all away so that you don't have to hurt anymore and hearing that no, it's not time yet - is possibly one of the hardest things in the world to hear. asking God if it's what he wants of me to leave it all behind to make my own life easier and hearing that no, you have to stay where you are for now and just trust in my grace is also possibly one of the hardest things in life to hear. asking God why the heck he's allowing me to be put through all this pain and hearing that you were born specifically to learn how to love and love in that way when you realise how it is is possibly one of the most humbling things to hear. asking God why won't he take what i feel away so i won't hurt so much anymore and hearing that you love because i loved you first is one of the most difficult things to listen to when you feel so tired as it is already.

but through this all, God wants us to realise how much he loves each and every one of us. God wanted me to realise how much he loved me. how completely, how unconditionally, how irrationally, especially. as Brother Michael Broughton so nicely put it, i'm a bastard. i don't deserve God's love at all. not one bit. i'm a fool for not realising how much he loves me, and he loves me even when i don't want him to. i don't deserve any of God's love. and yet, he loves me! as i said, irrationally.

for me now, i'm learning that. learnt that. both.

when you love someone who doesn't deserve any of it, you learn to love as God does. as much as it is a beautiful and encouraging thing to know, it is also an extremely painful thing to know. it makes zero sense to the brain. it defies logic. it makes me frustrated with me, terribly.

but at the end of the day, when i'm challenged why, i know it's because God loved me first. it's as simple as that, really. God loved me this way first because he wants me to love this way too. when someone hurts you, subconsciously or otherwise, when someone rejects you not once, not twice, but countless times - the kneejerk reaction would be anger for the slight on your pride, then retaliation to get back at the person, or perhaps it could be a complete cold shoulder because you're just so tired of it. but when you love someone the way God means us to, it becomes so different. the person's reaction doesn't matter, the person's actions don't change anything. you love the person for everything he is, and it doesn't matter if he loves you too or otherwise. it really really doesn't. that's love through the world's eyes. it's only love if it's two-way. it's not wrong, don't get me wrong. it's beautiful when there are two people who really love each other. but it becomes tainted with the possibility that you're only loving the person cos the person loves you too, it's so easy to love when there's reciprocation or receptivity.

challenge yourself to love someone who doesn't do these - who doesn't reciprocate, who doesn't love you too, who hurts you over and over again, who may not care about you the way you want he/she to care for you, who you know with every cell in your brain does NOT deserve your love at all.

i promise you, you'll never see God's love in the same light again. God's love is exactly like that, and when you appreciate the tremendous effort and pain you experience while you're doing it, you'll appreciate the magnitude of God's love for each and every one of us. for me.

i understand that this is what i have to go through to realise how much God loves me. to know with both heart and head how much i'm loved by God. because i'm fundamentally a logical person. i was born and brought up to use my brains to reason things out. and because i know God loves me so much, i choose to love that person in the same way - because i love God.

tell me i'm wrong and i'll sock you. i've never been so sure about something in my entire life before, never believed in something so wholeheartedly before. it's heartbreaking that my conviction had to come at such cost, at such pain and hurt to so many people, to me. and yet, it's also heartbreaking that my salvation had to come at such cost - Jesus's death on the cross.

God loves me and so i choose to love the same way.

it's a choice i have to remake almost every moment of my life, it's a choice i made at the cost of my own well-being. i'm broken, i admit it. i'm all over the place and in a million pieces, and i'm still gathering the pieces.

but everything i'm experiencing was affirmed by Brother Michael's session last Sunday - when you learn to love someone, you learn to live for someone else other than yourself. you put the other person's well-being and comfort before your own, all the time. it's dying to yourself actually, cos it's a fundamental human instinct to strive for our own well-being first.

the tears that keep welling up in my eyes are a reminder of my human frailty. the anger in that instant was a reminder of my human pride. the underlying love i feel in spite of everything, in spite of the hurt and irrationality of it all - is a reminder of God's love for me.

On My Cross
by FFH

how wide is your love
that you would stretch your arms
and go around the world
and why for me would a Saviour's cry be heard?

i don't know why you went where i was meant to go.
i don't know why you love me so.

those were my nails
that was my crown
that pierced your hands and your brow
those were my thorns
those were my scorns
those were my tears that fell down
and just as you said it would be
you did it all for me
after you counted the cost
you took my shame,
my blame -

on my cross.

how deep is your grace
that you could see my need
and choose to take my place
and then for me, these words i'd hear you say:
"Father, no,
forgive them, for they know not what they do
i will go,
-because i love them so."

*kel

The Biggest Cross I've discovered

2007-03-20T23:32:00.000+08:00

Finally!!! A picture of us. (kel in black, Julie in green, Jerry in red and myself in blue)

Hey everyone once again,

A big sigh of relief after completing my 3 months of basic military training and thank God for the block leave I am having now. Would like to share with all of you my day at lunch today (doesn't like really exciting ya?)

When I was having lunch with my dad today at a hawker centre, I noticed this man having this spread of food laid on the table and he was gobbling down the food at such a fast pace.

The truth is that the spread of food was made of scraps that people had left behind after their meals.

This sight wrenched my heart and this plight I've witnessed countless of it in just the past 5 days.It just makes me realised how heavy the crosses of these people are and life must be such a torture to them. I guess it feels like a purgatory on Earth itself. This period of Lent has really gave me new insights in life and has shown me the things I've to treasure. Knowing that I've to part with my family one day makes the cross much heavier and knowing that the Giver is more important than the Gifts doesn't ease the burden any lesser. The journey towards Him can be so difficult at times and He has indeed opened my eyes this time to show me that everything I owned- From my head to toe and the clothes on my back, is a miracle in itself.

Waiting to rise up as a New Creation@ Easter,

Joel

surprise me please!

2007-03-16T00:05:00.000+08:00

hello!

this blog has been dead for 3 months. but not anymore! i'm back - wiser, more loving, and yet not any less foolhardy than i was, i think.

since the last time i've posted here, i've been journeying with my dear Lord quite a fair bit. i won't say i've grown, but i've definitely deepened my relationship with him, and this deepening of my walk with God has been almost exponential. every night before i sleep now, i always always tell God: thank you, God, for letting me walk with you up till now. thank you, God, for everything you've given me in my life.

i think it's a mark of how far along i've journeyed in my faith cos now i always manage to thank God wholeheartedly and sincerely for every single thing in my life. even the bad things, even the trials, even the times when i'm sad - i never fail to praise and thank God for every little happening. sometimes, it becomes mundane, thinking about all the things that've happened throughout my day and listing everything out in my head, thanking God for each one of them. but then, i think the whole process of turning inward and looking back on every little moment in my life in the day helps a lot. it makes me a lot more introspective, it makes me more aware of what i do, say, think or feel and more aware of me, basically. and as i recall moments that've passed in the day, i either smile or cry at the memory and then thank God for it, cos it means i've lived through another day, with every possibility of facing a brand new day.

and every night when i pray, i pray that God will surprise me in whatever i do. surprise me with his blessings, surprise me with his love, anything. i know God has so much in store for me and everyone of us, it's up to me to want to receive everything he has for me. it's like the gifts are already there in front of me, i'll only get to enjoy the gifts for what they are when i stretch out my hands to want to get them. it's the desire that's so important. and that desire essentially stems from my disposition. if i'm in the disposition to want to seek God with all my heart, the desire will naturally follow.

as i struggle through each day and i make it through each day, battered, tired, and bruised, sometimes all i wanna do is give up. it's a constant struggle to keep wanting to do the Godly thing, to keep wanting to do the loving thing, to keep wanting to be good. it's as hard to do all these per se as it is to want to do these. see the difference? the difference is in the attitude behind our actions. i could think of a million other things to do that would make me very happy in the worldly sense, temporarily. i could scream expletives for release, i could turn my heel and just walk away from everything, i could give in to my human desires and just enjoy people's company without worrying about anything. so many things i could do - and yet i don't do any of them, because i don't want to. it's in the disposition, as i said. i could do all these, and i could do all these wanting to do them.

do i make sense?

in a certain way, i think this is how God is moulding me in my life to become who he meant me to be. the fieriness of character, the temper that would blow at the snap of a finger, the tongue that would lash out even when it's completely uncalled for, the quick and sometimes merciless judgement passed when i feel wronged, the poison i could drip from just a mere look, the coldness of my entire being when i force myself not to care anymore - all these are being tempered in me gradually. no, not erased or wiped clean, tempered. God uses these traits in me to do his work. it's like fire, it can be used for good things, or it can be used to do harm. it brings life in the heat it provides, it keeps us alive because it cooks food and kills the germs that would do our digestive systems harm. and yet, fire kills so indiscriminately too. fires that burn down entire houses, fires that burn the skin off people and melt their innards, fire that consumes everything. see what i mean? character traits in all of us can be used to do good and bad. often when we use them for our own means, we often end up using them to do not so nice things. but when we offer up our characteristics as people to God, he can use them to do marvellous things. just sit back and be surprised by what he shows you.

*kel

the BIG booboo people make at mass( including myself at times!)

2006-12-05T00:34:00.000+08:00

Hey all,

It's been a long while and the confirmation camp (27th Nov-30th Nov) is finally over and it has really been a very fruitful time for me. The plants have flowered and it is just amazing to the large number of confirments attending mass today.

While I was bathing earlier, something that I had forgotten about ages ago came back to my mind and I am having this stirring in my heart to share this with all of you. So here I am.

I'm sure all of you have experienced the usual draggy Sunday at mass, or dozing off during the celebration and losing concentration as the priest continues to ramble on...
Either that we have always treated sermons to be a good opportunity to catch up with our friends and a super good time for a short nap.

Let us just step into this scenario together and please do NOT fall sleep haha:

Image the normal sunday/weekday scene in church and everyone is seated at the pew waiting for the grand procession.

To everyone's surprise, the main celebrant was the Pope!!

In the meantime, every single one stood up to just to have a look at him and with their mouths wide-opened and not believing their eyes.

***(I'm sure all of you will agree with me that we'll definitely be paying full attention and simply awed by the mere presence of the Pope celebrating the mass with us ya?) ***

That is the trap.

People fail to realise that the One who sends the Pope and gave him the power is present at every mass-Jesus. Someone who is far more important and is the peak of every mass.

Hope that all my brothers and sisters in Christ out there to remember this scene each time we attend Mass or any Services and to give Him that much(or more) of Our very being.

Written with all of you in mind and with loads of love,

Joel

2006-10-18T14:42:00.000+08:00

i make a vow -
my life will always honour Christ, whether i live or die
i belong to him, he bore my sin
i owe this life to my saving King
i am not my own, you are in control
for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain
no matter what price i pay
i choose to give this life away

i've heard these song lyrics a million times over and sung it another million times over. but what does it mean, really? to ascertain that dying is gaining, to choose to give our life away- isn't it fundamentally against what we all think, that our lives are of utmost importance? we all tend to overestimate our own self-importance, placing our lives and our problems before God and even before our friends'. we all like to be in control. i like to be in control of my own life. my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my actions, my sadness, my happiness, my life. but a lot of the times, i lose control over any of the aspects i so badly want control over. and who do i lose control to? i lose control over my feelings because it's all so irrational and illogical, nothing makes sense and i can't control something i can't comprehend. but the bottomline is, it isn't the same as losing control to God. to surrendering to God everything in your life, my life. losing control of your emotions and letting them get the better of you causes imprisonment, devastation, confusion over your inabiliity to get a hold of yourself. surrendering your emotions to God gives you, me, freedom, clarity of mind, a peace that the world cannot give.

i've allowed myself to be so self-consumed in my feelings of jealousy, hurt and confusion lately that i forgot that God is here to accept all these negative feelings should i want to give them up to him.

"purify me, God. i want to be holy."

but do i really? oftentime, i pay lip service but where's my heart? i say i want to be holy, i want to be purified, but at the same time i refuse to surrender my negativities to God because warped as it may sound, i want to hold on to it. because of some semblance of familiarity, because of someone grim satisfaction at knowing i feel depressed, because of some human-fed deluded wishes, whatever.

last night as i tossed and turned in bed trying not to think about the conversation that had transpired before, i kept crying out to God to take all my upsets and hurts and give me peace the next morning when i got up. as my tears fell on my pillow, i hugged my bolster tighter and tried not to think about the words that hurt: "i think i may like her"

for the first time in God knows when (no pun intended heh), i had an intense conversation with God. i poured my heart out, even though i know He already knows exactly what i was going to say. He seemed to just be there listening to me and nodding with a sad smile on His face, a smile that said, you know why you're going through the same thing again. you're too stubborn, you need to go through the same thing over and over again to learn. and the verse from Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind.

15: Whatever happens or can happened has already happened before. God makes the same thing happen again and again.

yes, thanks a lot God, i thought. i don't need so many lessons to learn something. these lessons are painful you know, they hurt. but sometimes we need the pain to remember. like how a child doesn't put his hand into a fire because he might have done it before and he knows it's hot. he KNOWS it's hot. he learns through pain. i have to learn through pain too. i have to learn how to surrender every aspect of my life to God and not give Him one part but think, no, i want to keep my feelings for someone to myself. and oh umm no, i think i will keep control over my feelings, thank you God. it doesn't work that way.

Covenant" by Sr. Margaret Halaska"

The Father knocks at my door, seeking a home for his son:

Rent is cheap, I say.

I don’t want to rent.
I want to buy, says God.

I’m not sure I want to sell,
but you might come in to look around.

I think I will, says God.

I might let you have a room or two.

I like it, says God.
I’ll take the two.
You might decide to give me more some day.
I can wait, says God.

I’d like to give you more,
but it’s a bit difficult.
I need some space for me.

I know, says God, but I’ll wait.
I like what I see.

Hm, maybe I can let you have another room.
I really don’t need that much.

Thanks, says God, I’ll take it.
I like what I see.

I’d like to give you the whole house,
but I’m not sure...

Think on it, says God.
I wouldn’t put you out.
Your house would be mine and my son would live in it.
You’d have more space than you’d ever had before.

I don’t understand at all.

I know, says God, but I can’t tell you about that.
You’ll have to discover it for yourself.
That can only happen if you let him have the whole house.

A bit risky, I say.

Yes, says God, but try me.

I’m not sure—I’ll let you know.

I can wait, says God.
I like what I see.

a very apt poem from a friend's blog (http://godsrhinos.blogspot.com) that so aptly describes my very thoughts. i want to give God every room in my house, every inch of my heart. but i daren't sometimes. a bit risky, i say. but God can wait, He has been waiting. who likes losing control over their lives? especially since the experience of losing control can be so unpleasant in our secular world. but losing control to God is different i say.

Lord, i offer up all my sadness, my disappointments, my anger to You because it is in You i find solace in. You are my hiding place, keep me safe, please.

*kelly.

2006-10-06T11:20:00.000+08:00

it's been suchhhhhh a long time since i've blogged here. haven't been struck by anything until now, and to be honest, i've been a more than a little dry spiritually ever since school started and my life took a turn for the busy.

ironic isn't it, how i'm finally sitting down to blog here when i'm sick and unable to go to tutorial. haha. i think God allowed me to fall ill so i'll finally take a breather from my hectic life, so that i can take a step back from all i've been doing lately and just reflect on it all slowly in bed without having to rush from one class to another.

i haven't made some huge discovery of the century or anything. it isn't even the hugest discovery of my life. but it's a tiny revelation that helped explain to myself some things that have happened, some things i've been doing.

i've always thought myself to be self-sufficient. an independent girl, if you'd like. not in the material sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. i'd always motivated myself, never needed much company and could entertain myself pretty well. i didn't like it when people who loved me expressed their concern over something i was or was not doing, cos i had and still have this 'why should you bother about my life?' attitude. i never thought i'd need any much more love in life cos i thought i had all the love i'd possibly want or need. my family loved me, the friends who mattered loved me too - and that was all i thought i'd need.

but i was wrong. deep down inside, i craved a lot more love than i was receiving. i think it's human nature to want to be loved, it's innate in each one of us. i never wanted to think about it cos i thought it was a weakness to express this need to others. i'd always scorned those girls who wanted or needed a boyfriend by their side to keep them company; i'd always thought to myself: i'll never be as weak as them to fall in love with someone else. i think God's laughing at me now though, cos what i thought i'd never need or want has become something i do need and want. i do need love, i want to be loved. so maybe i'm weak, but i've always been, i just never wanted to reveal my vulnerability even though it was always there.

upon further reflection, i think that even though it is a human want to love and be loved in return, this desire for love ultimately reflects my innermost desire to experience the perfect love of God, that only He can give. human love is transient, God's love is eternal. human love is fickle, God's love is steadfast and endures. human love is tempered by lust, God's love is pure. human love is painful sometimes, God's love heals. but i won't be idealistic and say that i'm able to forgo the love that people can offer and seek only God's love for me, because i know in all honesty that i'm not ready for that now. but i do know that i want to fall in love with God so fully one day and be enraptured by His love for me - one day.

i was in Chelsa's room earlier this week and i chanced upon this song. and i think it's really apt to describe my particular state of mind now. i didn't know how apt it'd be then, i just copied out the lyrics and stuck it on my notice board cos something just made me do it. i think i know what it was that made me do it now:

God wanted me to look at the words everyday when i sit at my table to do my work so that it will strike me one day that really really, God's love is all i need in the world.
that i'll know it with my heart one day, and not just with my head.

*****

Take Me Deeper

There is a longing
Only You can fill
A raging tempest
Only You can still
My soul is thirsting, Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before Your throne

Take me deeper,
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper,
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise
I can see Your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Take me deeper,
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper,
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love.

*kelly.

2006-09-23T00:45:00.000+08:00

Our God who is beyond any measure, beyond this universe and He is present everywhere including the outer space. I was watching an astronomy clip about the outer space and whirlpool and this is what it looks like inside a whirlpool, ( taken by NASA )

[ "X" Structure at Core of Whirlpool Galaxy (M51). ]

He's my God and He is my refuge He's the rock on which I stand He's my fortress God,

He is my life He holds the oceans in His hand

Living my life as an altar boy

2006-09-19T11:29:00.000+08:00

It has been 3 months since I retired as an altar boy, finally hitting the 1 decade mark of being in the society. The society has left me nothing less than fond memories and was a great stepping stone to knowing HIM so much more and that feeling and experience is so tangible and satisfying. Serving my last Mass in June, I felt as if I was that little primary 2 kid that was so filled with excitement and joy of being to stand on the sanctuary. Being able to be physically so close to HIM during the Mass is an honor and a privilege of mine. When I was in secondary schools, being an altar boy simply means a chance to look good on the sanctuary and seeing whether there are any chio bu-s (Pretty girls) in the congregation (You can ask Clem, Mervin, My bro or any present altars boy haha). Those was the life of being an altar boy for me, till I was in Secondary 3 and my eyes were slowly opened. I knew then from then on, what I feel, being an altar boy means to me. To present the Chalice and the Cruets to the priest (Being part of HIM), to break myself like Christ, to offer my services to HIM. Imagine a humble servant just listening to His Master and learning from Him. That is how being an altar boy means to me.

The message of this entry isn't to proof how important being an altar boy is, but to let all my dear brothers and sisters out there, how I've found Jesus through my journey as an altar boy and the experiences that are so tangible and strikes a chord in my heart each time I think of them.

Thank you, Lord

Praising you,

Joel

How Wonderful How Beautiful

2006-08-14T16:15:00.000+08:00

In a split second, flashes of people who walked in and out of my life surfaced as the bus rammed into the side of the taxi. When we were about to come into this world, we took 9 months.But when we enter the kingdom of God, when we leave this temporary residence, it could just be in a second and we could be gone :
Have we really appreciated our family? Have we really taken the chance that we have to look them in the eye to simply say "thank you" or tell them how much we love them? Have we really appreciated the friends that God so generously gave to us? Have we take the chance that we have to tell them how thankful we are or how apolegetic we are or how annoyed we are?

Through this reflection, forgiveness stood out the most. Forgiveness of the inflictions that people caused, forgiving the people who insulted and misunderstood. A close friend once shared with me about forgiveness.The time when Jesus was cruxified on the cross,the pain and the sufferings he had from the nail pierced hands and feet, from the scourging. He could have chosen to hate the people who caused Him all these pain and suffering BUT He said " Father forgive them for they know not what they do" ( Luke 23:34 ) And later when He appeared to his disciples and said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." ( John 20:27) The scars were still there, but the scars did not hurt any longer.

Yes the memory may hurt, yes they may caused us to be upset, but forgiveness does not mean that we will forget them, we will still remember them, and learn from them. Today, while sitting at the hall waiting for the teacher to collect the scripts, the sudden thought of everything started to be so overwhelming. The time when I knew God, the time I decided to join ZJ and the bumpy ride of 2006 is like an eye-opener.I saw myself stepping out of that circle of events and watching it from the outer view. From a totally different view. Suddenly I finally understood why they all happened... I understood why the ride was bumpy, why walking alone and taking the narrow path was necessary, and why finding your identity in Christ is so important. Like what the planetshaker guy said and what Mat said, "it is a form of testimony, we share our life's struggle with everyone and showing how God has changed it." How God was there and making things work for our good. And through the outer view of the circle of events the one thing that stood constant was the LOVE OF GOD.

Then I recalled a wonderful song shared by a wonderful friend, "Why" by Nicole Nordeman. In the very beginning when I heard the song, I felt the tune was nice, etc, the words didn't really mean much till yesterday. It depicts about a girl walking to see Jesus at the calvary, but not knowing who He was. And when she approached the crowds who were jeering him, she heard the voice of Jesus calling out to His Father and thereafter God the Father replied, and said " she is why you must die".

It gave a pang in my heart when I heard the last line of the entire song, that I was the reason that Jesus had to sacrifice His life. A reminder of His love, that He willingly gave up His life when He could simply choose not to. A reminder that no matter what happens along the way, the LOVE OF GOD remains and He will be my strength, my shield, my shelter, deliver and very presence help in time of need.
Here is how the song goes:
We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes
So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more then he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why? Why does everyone want him to die?
Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find outI was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed

( the part where Jesus speaks to his father)
And I heard a voice come from the cross
And it said father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my clothes?
This crown of thorns hurts me more then it shows
Father please can't you do something?I
know that you must hear my cry'sI thought
I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why?
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?

( the part when God the Father replies)
My precious sonI hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hourI must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cries
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful lies
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

" Daddy God, help me remember of your constant, never changing love. That no amount of hurt, no situation, not even anybody, can seperate it from me. Without you, I'll be lonely. How wonderful and how beautiful you are! "
- Julie

Him in our daily lives

2006-07-15T12:19:00.000+08:00

God's Face
How do we see God's face through the midst of our daily lives? Ain't it so hard?I guess this question kept going through my little head throughout the course of this week.For me this week has been another journey of self discovery and a journey together in faith with the people around me.

Sometime this week I had a nice sharing time with a dear friend of mine, and I was posed this challenge to see God's wonders during the course of my week. I remember clearly the other day, I took the point to try to look out for His wonders and how He use us as His little intrustment to reach out to the people. I remember noticing this lady, ( she's a clark and what she is required to do is admin stuff. ) going around during our break time, talking to very random people. At first my classmates were saying this to me, " julie, that lady's weird eh?" and I couldn't agree more.
But soon I realised as I stood at my little corner at the canteen, munching on my bread (breakfast), watching her go from table to table, I noticed that she went to those tables where there was only one poor student eating alone as though she was a social outcast. She sat with them, and spoke to them, and I thought she was helping them feel that they are worth something even if the schoolmates thought they weren't. At first I really went to think why she was doing it and what her purpose was, I just thought that she was amazing cause she's doing something that her job does not even require her to do!

Until yesterday, when I was seating at the canteen table and there was this other classmate who was a real social outcast seating across me. And wonderfully this lady came! And she sat down talking to my classmate and in her hand was a book of PNW songs! She began telling my classmate that we must pray in times like these, when we are all alone, and there is no one around us who could understand us and that she believe strongly that God is truly present in our lives. The next thing I know she was teaching the song, Days Of Elijah to my classmate! I was stunned that I was left speechless, call it crazy or what, but she went out of her way to take time off from the office to come out and talk to the students, or rather those social outcast, to tell them ( or at least so far I know one) that God is truly present in our lives and that we need to pray in times when we feel lonely, or when we feel that the world has turn its back on us. I remember seating there, watching her infront me singing, I said this to myself "there you are God, working through her, amazing! PTL! (:"

He was present there and then at the table where I sat, through that lady, trying to reach out to the outcast and telling each and everyone of us, that we're never alone, cause like I said previously every step we take, He takes WITH us. And somehow or rather, I'm reminded of the song, crash and burn. Instead of the song dedicating to a friend, how about Jesus dedicating it to you!

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Imagine Him telling you that, " Let me be the one you call" when you are in need of help, when no one can understand you. He wants to be part of our lives, He wants to mend our broken heart and He reminds us that we're never alone! That He will be there walking the steps that we walk, and never to forsake us.

This week has been a beautiful week. Everyday was a fresh start of His love and mercy! And everyday was a learning step for me, I saw the importance of sharing like FINALLY! (: Sharing has helped me see that I'm not alone in this world going through my own struggles, that there are others like me and that God puts us together to encourage each other in our little struggles and that by sharing we may find our answers to wriggling our way out of them. ( thank you dear friend! it has been wonderful being able to share with you! a blessing indeed. and thank you to the woman circle! )

I would like to end my post with a song that one of my classmate was singing non-stop the other day. A song from her children church and I thought it was pretty cute but with profound meaning.
Dear God, You know I want to be
A princess on a pony, Tarzan on a tree
Dear God, You know I want to have
Chunky shoes and funky toys
Dear God, You know I want to be
The top of my class and be a great big star
Dear God but most of all,
I want to be with you

Great Big Daddy God, I wanna sit on your shoulder
See the whole wide world
Sing and whistle down the road
Dancing in your footsteps
Sing all the way home !

HIS PERFECT LOVE CAST OUT ALL FEARS
- julie

2006-07-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

Fr. J's homily today was an 'A-ha! God is precise!' moment. (Today's reading: Matthew 8:23-27) What was today's reading about?

The calming of the storm at sea.

[23] He got into a boat and his disciples followed him. [24] Suddenly, a violent storm came up on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by waves; but he was asleep. [25] They came and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" [26] He said to them, "Why are you terrified, O you of little faith?" Then he got up, rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was great calm. [27] The men were amazed and said, "What sort of man is this, whom even the winds and the sea obey?"

As you can see, my two lovely fellow rocks have so succinctly and precisely blogged about weathering the storms in our lives this past week. And when I heard Fr. J's homily today about God being there with us in the storms of our lives - only we don't have enough faith to realise and trust in His ability to calm the monster-sized waves and solve insurmountable problems we think we have - my ears nearly popped out.

And there and then, I said, Yes God, I hear you loud and clear now. I believe that you will and can solve my problems for me - I just have to surrender everything up to you.

I had problems understanding what fully surrendering truly meant. In my head, I knew what that meant. But I realise now that while I thought I understood, I couldn't actually do it, couldn't actually fully leave everything up to God and quit trying to do it my way.

I learnt this through a very painful sharing I had with a friend sometime last week. I was trying to accomplish something by trying to forget - which entailed ignoring the problem at hand and pretending everything away. While talking, I realised that what I was trying to do was so obviously not working. And it hit me when the friend pointed that out to me, even though it was so painfully obvious previously already. I was like a hamster running on its wheel; running furiously as the wheel spins, trying to get out of its cage, but not actually going anywhere.

I think I always knew at the back of my mind that my attempts at forgetting were actually sadly futile, it was just that I wanted to be in control of the situation and if I wanted to maintain the illusion that I was in control, I'd have to be actively doing something. It only became so starkly obvious that I was being silly and rather pathetic that night; and it was such a painful realisation.

Human beings are really quite obstinate. And a little silly sometimes. (Or maybe it's just me! Ha.) Because even after the wonderful realisation that I'd been wasting my time the last 2 years or so dawned on me (or more like fell on me like a ton of bricks - the impact.. I tell you.. terrible.), I didn't want to let go of what I'd been doing! I felt so lost at the prospect of not doing anything and instead, leaving it all for God to sort out for me that, foolish as this may sound, I didn't want God to heal me. Cos that's what my action of not letting go essentially was.

And once again, my all-time favourite Bible verse comes to mind. 1 Corinthians 10:13:
God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.

I always found this promise extremely comforting, but I think I never really believed in it even though I could have professed to do so. But now, I am utterly convinced in the truth that this promise holds. We humans have a tendency to mess things up and complicate matters unnecessarily. The trial, the storm in my life right now isn't as tangled up as I'd imagined. It's not as messy as I always thought. Why? Because the answer is so heartbreakingly simple that I'm surprised I didn't see it before. It took that same someone to tell me twice and another friend to tell me that what I need to do now is just to focus on running to Jesus. When Jesus is placed in the centre of all things, all the little troubles or 'complications' as we like to see them just fades into the background.

I went for Mass at IHM today, that's what some people know. But what people are not likely to know is that I had a lot of trouble deciding whether or not to go for Mass. Then when I asked myself why I so badly didn't want to go, I realised that I was just trying - futilely, I might add - to do the whole forgetting by staying far away thing. And when I'd realised that, my feet took me to the platform in the direction of Marina Bay and that was that. While on the train, it came upon me that I was being so so so silly about this whole thing. If I really want to spend 45 minutes with my Lord, I shouldn't let little things like that side-track me from that. Of course, I was toying with the idea of going to Novena or SVDP for evening Mass because that would allow me to spend that time with God as well as allow me to stay in my relative illusion of safety away from all that.

But that's all that would be - an illusion! Because that's basically running away from the problem at hand! I know, some would say I think too much. I agree. The danger isn't really in overthinking. It only becomes dangerous when you think too much and never get to a resolution.

Oh my, how I've digressed. There's still so much that I wanna say but I think I should stop for now so I can organise my thoughts for another post. If not everything's gonna come out jumbled up and quite senseless. I know I'm perfectly capable of rambling far off the path, only to find myself lost in the woods somewhere.

I found this on my best friend's blog while reading blogs earlier in the evening - and it was another 'A-ha! God is precise!' moment. Cos I've been thinking of this prayer the last few days or so. Trying to recall it because I remember seeing it somewhere before and I really wanted to cling on to the words because of the turmoil lately.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I also pray that God grants me the patience and humility to understand that we will never know what will happen in the future - and that's the truth and not just a cliche.

*kelly.

Free Will (CONTINUED)

2006-07-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

hey all! Julie's previous entry was marvellous! Amen! Which is why I am so inspired to do a follow-up entry!!!

Firstly, I will like to remind everyone that a life of christ is definitely a life of struggle. As we follow Christ, we are bound to meet into trials and obstacles! If there are no trials and obstacles, then that will be the time when we really reflect, "are we really leading the life that God wants us to have?" Even now as i am typing this entry, I myself am facing my own obstacles and problems.

I totally agree with Julie that 'storms' in life are GOD's ways of teaching us lessons in life! Why do we keep seeing the 'storm' and not think about what's after the 'storm'? For me, I always tell myself that after every 'storm', there is always the green pastures. And there I will see The LORD, stretching out HIS open arms and receiving me. It is as if he is trying to say, "Good job, my son, come take a rest in my arms." So do not face your trials with grief and sadness, instead brace it with courage and happiness because there is always the presence of CHRIST in every trials.

As proverbs 15:14 states, "The mind of HIM who has understanding, seeks knowledge, inquires after and craves it, but the mouths of (self-confident) fools feed on folly. Thus, we can see that if we get GOD's understanding, we can ask HIM for the knowledge to overcome EVERY problem and trial we face. We must also give our heartaches and troubles to GOD and keep a cheerful attitude no matter what is going on in our lives. We must remember, "this too, SHALL PASS" as GOD is eternal and has a GOOD PLAN for our future. - taken from bible.com

And also, it is normal for us to fall when we carry our crosses. Remember, when Jesus was carrying his own cross, he too fell. But he chose to carry on. Thus, it is the same for us, when we fall, we have to carry on no matter what. I know that it will be very exhausting, but always remember what isaiah 40:31 says, " But those who trust in the LORD for help will have their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not grow weak." Thus, by that verse, we know now that in our journey, we have to PRAY and PRAY and PRAY and constantly renew our faith so as to carry on!!!

Thus, my dear bros and sis, no problem is too great for GOD to handle. AMEN!! When we fall into trials, do not feel grief or overburdened because always remember that GOD is there for us, as long as we choose to seek HIM, what can possbily trouble us? I know that it is hard, but we have to keep trying and trying ya? I am also trying my best to face my problems with a cheerful attitude at this moment of trying to overcome my problems and obstacles. So, face your trials with a SMILE and a Cheerful attitude. For it is then when we are strengthened and will be able to overcome our problem with a brand new heart!!!

I leave you with the lyrics of the song, "All Things Are Possible". I hope that this song will once again affirm the fact that nothing is too great for GOD to handle.

"Almighty God my redeemer, my hiding place, my safe refuge.
No other name like Jesus, no power can stand against you.
My feet are planted on this Rock and I will not be shaken.
My hope it comes from you alone, my lord and my salvation.
Your praise is always on my lips, your word is living in my heart and I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord.
When I am weak, you make me in you, and I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord.
When I am weak, you make me strong.
When I am poor, I know I am rich.
For in the power of your name, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!"

your brother in CHRIST,
-Jerry Alexander-

FREE WILL

2006-07-03T12:30:00.000+08:00

Isn't it so amazing that God decided to give men free will? The freedom to choose what we want in life, and the path that we want to take? And this reminds me of obedience that when He gave us free will, we could choose to obey what He wants of us, or choose our own way! But for those who decides to obey His will, thats obedience!

Ever heard the saying " our choices could either make us or break us " ? Ever since the last I posted, it has and still is a journey of self- discovery. And I've learnt most importantly to make the BEST out of every situation that He puts me in! And that there is no one situation in life that He'll entrust to us without providing us the strength to overcome. There is no one situation that He would give to us that is demanding!

Throughout the week, it seems to me, that many around me are tired, drained and exhausted from their own crosses that they have to carry and it was through these people that made me realised that in the crossroads of our lives, during the time when we are carrying our little crosses, and the burden seems too heavy for us to continue, its as though we are in a little sampan sailing through the storm in the vast ocean!

This analogy came to me last night and it occured to me that in the history of mankind, there was no such incident of a storm that lasted forever! Even the most destructive ones, like the tsunami or the hurricane katherina ended. So will our own 'storms' end if we keep praying, perservering, and being patient knowing that soon, the sun will shine behind those fluffy clouds and the rainbow would appear!

On a more personal note, 'storms' in life are just one way that God teaches us life learning lessons. These lessons don't break us UNLESS we allow them to! It boils down to our choice of allowing them to affect us negatively or positively. Each and every 'storm' that we have is a passing shower. They are going to make us who we are next time round, they will make us strong mentally and emotionally, they'll shape us into the person who we would never imagine ourselves to be! But thats the beauty of problems stacking and stacking, being able to see the goodness out of a bad situation really helps to lighten things up and sets your expectations higher that the storm is going to end!

And remember the footprints in the sand story that we are NEVER WALKING ALONE in this! That He is truly present in our lives, holding our hands and carrying us on His back, supporting us and filling us with His love. Providing us the sufficient strength that we need to pull through the obstacle.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." JOHN 1:3

- julie

2006-06-28T11:31:00.000+08:00

The hollowing out process has been a lot more painful than I'd imagined it would be.
Very ugly truths about myself have been surfacing at an alarming pace - leaving me feeling absolutely horrified at myself and terribly drained out.
I know this whole process of dredging up what's less than Godly in myself and making myself acknowledge their existence is completely necessary if I am to be remoulded into what He wants.
But recently, I've been grappling with the possibility that I may not even want to be remoulded and reshaped into something more beautiful, that He has had planned for me.

To use the analogy of sweeping dust under the carpet.. I think I've been constantly sweeping all the dust under the carpet, so much so that my carpet is so full of dust - it's one foot off the ground, balancing on all that dust. And yet, I refuse to lift the carpet up to sweep out all the dust. I keep sweeping more dust there, and cockroaches and lizards are beginning to lay eggs there already.
So what do I do from here?
I'm not making time for QT with God because I don't want to hear what He has to say.
Which I'm realizing is an extremely stupid thing to be doing.
My own human pride and ego has just been overwhelmingly loud these last few weeks.
I'm so comfortable coughing in my own sea of dust that I don't want God to help me sweep out all the dust anymore. I don't want to stop coughing, I don't want to be healed though I'm not well.
WHICH, NOW THAT I'VE REALISED. IS VERY SILLY.

I know exactly why I've been filling all my days to the brim with back-to-back activities.
It's not really to quash out the emptiness, cos that isn't exactly the word to describe my current state now.
It's more of an excuse so I won't have to listen to God talking to me. Because I didn't want to hear what He has to say. I'm so afraid of what I'll hear.
Daniel said something yesterday about how people busy themselves to fill up the emptiness in their lives; it's curing the symptom but not the actual illness.
After mulling over that last night, I know what I have to do even though I may want so badly to just run away.
Thinking about it, hall may have even been a perfect escape route for me. Because if I'm not physically around, it's a lot less difficult.
But is that really the right thing to do?
I'm treating the symptoms but leaving the root untouched, decaying and rotten.

I'm not going to pretend that I've suddenly been empowered to do the necessary things after this post. I've gone past that stage of pretending.
But I've finally verbalised my thoughts and acknowledged to the world that I am running away, which is a step.
Baby step, perhaps. But I'm getting there slowly.

*kelly.

How Amazing!

2006-06-24T02:01:00.000+08:00

HELLO UNIVERSE! (:
This entry is really a cut short version! Anyway it's been say about 5 days since I've came back from YES retreat, which simply stands for Youth Empowered by the Spirit! (: This camp has proven to me to be extremely different from the previous ones that I've attended. Why different? In David's words "the earth didn't move". Its simply means that the way God came to touch our hearts weren't drastic like how we always think it should be. We always preconceive the idea of God coming down being very grand, the heavens opening etc!

The camp has left me feeling extremely drained, exhausted, stressed and everything your imagination can offer, I might have felt that way! The four days was a journey for me reflecting whether I have taken on too much and saying yes to everything and the part on trying to strive for perfection. Frankly speaking, the four days were as though I was still stuck at the bottom of the mountain while others was rock climbing up reaching to the highest of highest. I stayed in the same spot till the end of the camp. But now reflecting back as I type this reflection out, these past 5 days since the camp, it has been remarkable. Instead of the four days at camp that I should be rock climbing up the mountain, it became the next 5 days that I started to climb the mountains! The 5 days for me was a personal journey with the Lord, learning a bit more about myself, who I am, and what I am made to do. Definitely I didn't learn them on my own, He sent wonderful people to help me along the way, the close friends who walked with me through this, the friend who woke me up again, and so many more. (Thank You Lord for sending them!)

I remember during one of the nights I spent time sharing with one of my new friend over supper and basically through her I saw the bigger picture and I understood clearer. And I like to mention the one that struck me the most throughout that conversation which is the one about Peter walking on the water towards Jesus (Matthew 14). When he first walked on the water, he was steady and it was as though he was on cement, and at that point his eyes were fixed on Jesus. But once he shifted that focus to the waters and thunders, he began to sink. And what’s the point of bringing this up, is that we should focus on Jesus, because we know that by focusing on Him, even if we were walking of egg shells, it wouldn't worry us! I need to focus on Him, everyone needs to because we tend to get distracted by the world, the media etc. Guess this is going to be a huge challenge for me, especially since when my attention span is so short and I tend to get bored fast, it would be hard for me to focus on one thing, which is HIM. But I'm sure He will grant me the grace and the strength because" I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me"(Philippians 4:13) (:

God definitely works in different ways that are super unexpected, in ways that surprises us and it simply leaves me speechless because it’s really INDESCRIBABLE! Even though the 4 days didn't work out for me, even though I was almost good as a dead object, even though I was stuck at the same spot, by His grace, I began to climb!! God came, not through baptism, not through praying over etc, not the dynamic ways but in simple ways like through my close friends. "The earth didn't move" like David mentioned! And I fully agree.
I still am climbing this mountain and I know I'll never stop!

"Dear Lord, I'm simply amazed by your love. I'm amazed and stunned at how you work and intricately plan us! And I cannot help but say I love you! (:
Like how that nice song, my destiny by McPhee goes (I edited a bit though):

I have always dreamed of this
I'll admit there was something I missed
Wondering if this is for real
Every mistake every wrong turn
Everytime i lost my way
Have actually lead me to this
Moment of bliss in time
With you Lord, finally I can break free
With you Lord, there's a change
Its so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
And You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason why
I didn't stop,though sometimes I gave up
Even if i sometimes lost hope
I did my best, and I am blessed
with your love

I never could have done it without you
I realised that it's my destiny
I realised that serving you is my destiny
Its what I'm created for. "

- julie

GOD's Gifts

2006-05-29T20:20:00.000+08:00

Heyz To everyone!!! Long time since I last blogged.. but now I have to write this entry because it has been in my mind ever since ZJ retreat..

well.. let me ask you something.. what are gifts to you? Is it a new handphone, a new game console or a new car etc.? Must gifts always be our expensive material things? Must it come with alot of $$$?

well.. let me give you two scenarios.. let's say someone give you a brand new ferrari car which costs a bomb and another one, just simply a birthday card filled with lots of love.. a bit of twist to add now.. imagine the person, after giving you the ferrari, goes around bragging, "HEY.. SEE THAT FERRARI!!! MAKE NO MISTAKE.. I GAVE HIM ONE!!!" Now, think about it, is there really sincerity in that realli expensive gift? Is the ferrari really considered a gift? Or is it simply a TOOL which helps him to proclaim his own fame and riches? Now think about the card.. make no mistake.. the card is purely filled with love!! But as humans as we are, we tend to overlook the card as we have other gifts which we consider are 'better'.. but then think again.. compare the ferrari and the card again.. what can buy ferrari? Well, it is money and money and more money.. but then what can buy love?? Money?! NEVER!! Love is priceless!! No doubt!!

so now.. sometimes we say and ask ourselves," GOD, where is my gift?" We often pray for what we want with much desire, and sometimes when we feel that the prayer is not answered as we don't get the result we wanted, we tend to question HIM again and again, asking him," Where is my gift?" But then, again and again, his love is like the card in the scenario, we tend to overlook HIS gift to us as we always look out for the result. but then in actual fact, HE is always and i mean it, always, granting us something which is PRICELESS! That wonderful and magnificient gift is LOVE! The gift is there, but do we choose to accept and unwrap it to feel HIS wonderful gift for us? Sometimes, we take HIS gifts for granted. We tend to continuously demand and demand for more gifts. But when we get it, did we really take time off to really thank HIM?

So my brothers and sisters, don't doubt God's gifts for us. He is always giving us gifts each new day. Even things like living another day on earth is a gift from HIM. So, let us keep our hearts open everyday and be mindful and thankful for all HIS gifts as HIS gifts are no ordinary ones but rather, it is a gift which is ordinary made extraordinary by HIM. Have faith and believe, for it is then you will see HIS marvellous gifts and works in you and also, how remarkable and loving HE really is!!

that ends my sharing, til next time, cyas! =)

-Jerry Alexander-

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

2006-05-29T12:06:00.000+08:00

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not
so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born
to eternal life.
Amen.

***

This was my favourite prayer as a girl. I don't know why, the words just spoke to me so profoundly and left such a deep impression on me ever since. And everytime we sang it in church (I used to go to SFX for Sunday Mass and I think that was where I sang this a lot), I got very happy. It was also one of the first hymns I learnt to play on the piano.

Today I found this prayer from my girlhood again in the prayer booklet someone left on the computer desk. And today I'm smiling as I sing the hymn to myself.

I want to be an instrument of God's peace again, to be a lot less selfish and self-centred. Oh, that He increases and I decrease in me!

*kelly.

2006-05-26T11:58:00.000+08:00

hello my darlings!

it's a lovely Friday morning! i opened my eyes this morning to a slender beam of sunlight poking its way through the slit of my drawn curtains. and after staring up at the ceiling and blinking a few times, i realised that my eyes didn't hurt anymore. and when i saw myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth, i thanked God for making my eyes clear again, because when i'd gone to bed last night they were extremely swollen and red.

i've been feeling mighty uneasy of late. because it seems like a lot of what i want to do with my life in the near future is what i want to do and not what God wants me to do.
like even though i'm convinced i want to stay in hall in uni - that decision hasn't been sitting well with me at all. partially because my reasons for wanting to seem to be so wrong.
i WANT to stay because i want to get away from home and all associated with life now. but i know that that's just a false semblence of running away to what may seem like greener pastures at first sight.
i WANT to run away because it's tiring having to keep up a facade with everyone and i just want to drop all pretences for a while.
i WANT to drop my act because i don't feel good lying about things anymore. i'm starting to appear like 2 different people and it's scaring the crap out of me because i'm starting to think i'm potentially turning mildly schizophrenic. a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, except that i'm not so extreme.
i don't want to keep worrying people who care about me and therefore i need to jolt myself out of this state. the last time i managed to forget, i did by running far far away.
but what does God want of me? seriously, i know very well all my wants and desires.. but i also WANT to know.. what does He want?

i was reading the Bible this morning and i chanced upon this which struck me so deeply.

Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses.

He sets the time for birth and the time for death,
the time for planting and the time for pulling up,
the time for killing and the time for healing,
the time for tearing down and the time for building.
He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy,
the time for mourning and the time for dancing,
the time for making love and the time for not making love,
the time for kissing and the time for not kissing.
He sets the time for finding and the time for losing,
the time for saving and the time for throwing away,
the time for tearing and the time for mending,
the time for silence and the time for talk.
H esets the time for love and the time for hate,
the time for war and the time for peace.

What do we gain from all our work? I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does... Whatever happens or can happen has already happened before. God makes the same thing happen again and again.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15

Amen to that, man!

my unease is starting to turn into resent and it's very dangerous i realise. how can i be resentful that God has called me to do His work? i should be so so glad that He has chosen me. but nonetheless, resent is starting to brew inside of me and i'm glad i recognise it in me so i can do something - anything - about it. like turning to God in prayer frequently out of sheer discipline now, for example. i can no longer feel His presence, but i know of its truth because of past tangible experiences of it, and i hope that will be enough to sustain me through this time.

*kelly.

2006-05-24T17:13:00.000+08:00

HAVE YOU THANK GOD FOR THE FOOD ON THE TABLE?

OR INSTEAD COMPLAINED ABOUT ITS TASTE?
HAVE YOU THANK GOD FOR THE COUNTLESS BLESSINGS HE GAVE YOU?
OR INSTEAD COMPLAINED ABOUT HAVING TOO LITLLE?

HAVE WE TAKE TIME TO APPRECIATE THE THINGS AROUND US?

( special thanks to per-anders pettersson for the photo)

God Among Us

2006-05-24T16:13:00.000+08:00

Hello Universe! (:
Its time to catch up on the weeks of blogging that I missed. Well basically, last friday the most annoying thing happened to me - I fell into a hole and sprained my ankle. I hated it right from the start firstly becaused I had to limp to school as I fell before school even started! Secondly, I cannot run and jump around anymore!

But now as I live through this horrible thing for 6 days, I look back at all the little things that happened around me, the big and small stuff, frankly I tell you, God was truly present among the classmates back in school, the good friends at church, Zj , even strangers! I mean people always tell you that " God is among us, at home, at school or even at work!" but you know human nature always gets in the way and in the beginning you will doubt it. But when you truly experience it, it is then that you will say, yes its true! And so I'm saying it is really true!

Its true because I experience God's love through the many people around me. The concerned expressions on the faces of the teachers, the classmates or schoolmates who help me queue up to get food, the good friends at church who have to walk slowly with me from church to ah seah (: ! There are so many that I can mentioned but I remember 2 particular incident and these 2 struck me the most.

On monday, I remembered having to go home by taking the bus. Taking the bus is not a bad thing, but the bad thing is that you have to try to beat the crowd to get in the bus. I remembered standing with my schoolmate at the bus stop, and already the bus stop was packed with IJ girls. When 136 came, everyone rushed to stand in the front, flagging for the bus to stop infront of them, so they wouldn't have to squeeze later. I was in the front, and I remember flagging too, and as the bus approached I think the bus uncle saw my bandaged ankle, and he drove the bus really slowly till it came to a stop , right in front of me! (: And as I got up the bus, he asked me how was my leg and the way he had a tone of concern and it got me thinking, a stranger, a concerned voice, it was as though he knew me really well. But I never really thought that as God working through him till I spoke to one of my good friend, who said that it could be God's little work. (:

The second incident happened yesterday, I was walking to church and as I walked I complained to God about my day, having to meet with people who kept pushing me in the bus as though my ankle had no bandage. So as I walked to church I said to God, " there's no kind soul in this world eh God?" and as I walked down the over head bridge, this lady ( a stranger ), came up to me speaking chinese, asking me what happen to my ankle, whether I went to see a doc and she told me to take good care of myself and not to walk too much. And immediately I thought back about my little conversation with God about no kind soul in this world. And as I reflect back, that lady approaching me was God's little answer to me, that actually there are kind souls in this world.

Through all these I saw God's marvelous ways of working through the people around me,my family, friends, schoolmates and even strangers!
THANK YOU LORD!

HOW AMAZING THAT NO MAN CAN COMPREHEND

Till the next post, God Bless.
- julie

2006-05-17T13:18:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 days since I got back from the ZJ retreat.
You know, I think I was expecting to resolve a lot of my own issues during the retreat, anticipating the silence and all the quiet time we were promised. And after 3 days of retreating from the world, I didn't walk out of the doors any more settled than when I'd walked in - and I immediately thought the retreat hadn't worked for me.
But on hindsight, how shallow I was! How selfish I was too!
From the start, I'd gone to the retreat with the mindset of settling MY issues, of solving MY problems.
Where was God in all the things I'd wanted to get out of the retreat?
Nowhere.

Now 2 days after, I don't feel like a changed person or anything. Certainly not like Moses who went into the desert and had God speaking to him very obviously in the form of the burning bush. In fact, my immediate thought was that God hadn't spoken to me at all in the 2 and a half days spent in silence.
But maybe.. Maybe God just wanted to tell me to quit worrying and just leave everything to Him, as I had decided a few weekends ago. And I don't know if I have truly managed to cast all my burdens aside, but I can tell you with all honesty that right now at this very point in time, I am absolutely unperturbed by what was bothering me a few days ago. I know it's still there, the problem - since no resolution's been reached as of yet - but I'm not unduly upset or frustrated anymore. It's kinda like seeing a bee fly around your head, knowing that it's potentially dangerous and could sting you, but not feeling the tiniest bit afraid because I know I will not be stung cos the bee will leave me alone if I don't bother about it.

I don't think that's the perfect analogy to describe what I'm actually feeling, but it's the best I can think of now.

God works in mysterious ways. That has got to be one of the most overused phrases. But I really do believe He does. Say I pray very hard for something. I've realised that God usually doesn't fulfil my prayers in the way I would like Him to. In fact, God usually gives me what I ask for by doing what may SEEM to be the complete antithesis of what I'd prayed for - but is actually exactly what I want if I look carefully at it.

I may not have found God in the silence as I'd initially expected to.
But I've found God in this strange sense of peace and calm that I'm currently filled with.
I may not have found God in the beauty of nature as I'd initially thought I would. (Cos I've always loved nature, so I thought it would follow that I would find God in all He had created.) But I've found God in the mundaneness of my life - in all the things that may appear at first to be coincidences, like bringing certain people together for a particular reason or hearing especially significant things from certain people.

You know, I've been trying to smile a lot more these days because for one thing, smiling requires less energy than frowning does. God gave me a beautiful smile to express my joy and happiness. Smiling and laughing is really infectious. I've realised that sometimes, my friends actually laugh because I'm laughing so hard. And. You never know who might be falling in love with your smile at any one point in time. :)

*kelly.

Late For Breakfast

2006-05-05T21:42:00.001+08:00

This is a very touching story that my mum sent to me.

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am,
when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to
have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that
he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat,
knowing it would be over an hour before someone
would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his
watch and decided, since I was not busy with another
with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
I got the needed supplies to remove his
sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound,
we began to engage in conversation I
asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this
morning, as he was in such hurry. The gentleman told
me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to
eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to
her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that
she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease.
As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound,
I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that
she had not recognized him in five years now. I was
surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning,
even though she doesn't know who you are?"
He smiled as he patted my hand and said.
"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."
I had to hold back tears as he left,
I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,
"That is the kind of love I want in my life."
True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes
there are some that come along that have an important message,
and this is one of those kinds. Just had to share it with you all.

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way." Peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. > > Please share this with someone you care about - > > I JUST DID.....

"I sent you to reap a harvest you have not laboured for. Others have laboured for it; and you have come into the rewards of their labour." ( The New Jerusalem> Bible-John 4: 38 )

Joel

2006-05-05T16:38:00.000+08:00

Can you see God in this delicate iris bloom?

I can.

Only God could've made such a intricate creation. I can see God's work in the lovely purple blending into white. I can see God's work in the intricate veins of each petal, how he slowly, painstakingly separated the yellow from the purple from the white and even added the veins on the petals for texture!

If God could be bothered to form a flower so perfectly, to clothe the million different flowers in a million different hues and patterns - what more each of us? The book of Genesis says in the story of creation, that we humans are made exactly in God's likeness.

So the next time when you look down at your own hands, notice the 5 fingers and each individual delicate nail, note the swirly patterns on each fingertip (your fingerprints, which are unique to yourself by the way), wriggle your fingers around for a bit and thank God that He remembered to give you 5 fingers on each hand while He was busy designing you. :)

*kelly

2006-05-02T12:04:00.000+08:00

There are the "skeptical believers" who demand signs from God before they believe.
There are "ordinary believers"who believe even if some of their prayers are not answered.
There are "strong believers" who entrust their whole lives to God regardless of their pains in life.
Which group do you belong?

2006-04-30T21:44:00.000+08:00

"Why are you - a girl who has everything in the world - crying, as if you have nothing?"
A nun asked my best friend one sunny Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining high up in the sky, the clouds white and fluffy, the grass a brilliant lush emerald green - in other words, it was a beautiful day.

The events of the last few days have forced me to remember this question posed to my friend by the nun. Because today as I was sitting at the bus stop in the afternoon, waiting for 70 to come, I was really crying uncontrollably - practically sobbing as though I had lost everything in the world. I was trying so hard to control the tears but it all just came out after the Amazing Grace meeting. It was as though something in me had snapped and released the torrent of tears from my eyes, tears which had been threatening to flow out for a good few days but myself unable to cry.

It was then when I tasted the salty tears that couldn't stop coming that I remembered what the nun had asked - why are you, a girl who has everything in the world, crying as though you have nothing? Guilt washed over me because it struck me then how abudantly God has blessed me in the last few months - giving me university admission to the course of my choice, giving me a job so I can earn money, giving me the time spent with dear people - and I cried even harder. I think people in their cars passing by me would have thought I was a victim of a boyfriend's dumping or something, but I couldn't help myself. My guilt coupled with my frustration and anger completely overwhelmed me and any control I had over my tear ducts.

Frustration because just last night when I was praying in my bed before sleeping, I was telling God that I was gonna surrender my life to Him. Even though I knew that being such a headstrong creature I wouldn't always be able to accept lying down what He wants of me, I made a resolution last night to really make a conscious effort to try. Because I was so tired of trying to deal with the unsolvables in my life, of trying so hard to make something happen with my own human efforts only to see nothing come out of it. I don't know, maybe it was out of sheer desperation that drove me to just throw everything at His feet last night and cry out: "Lord, I surrender everything to You! I'm so weary and feel like I no longer can pull myself along this path I have chosen."

When I got up this morning, there was peace in my heart because I awoke this morning determined to leave everything to God and not worry or think about anything anymore. But when the morning progressed, frustration set in cos my parents were in an exceptionally foul mood this morning. What started as a small thing - me coming down late for breakfast and us leaving home 5 minutes late as a result - got blown out of proportion as my parents vented their frustration at being late for mass on me. I admit now that how I reacted then was probably very wrong. I let my pride and anger get the better of me and I began raising my voice in response to their raised voices at me, their voices eventually amplifying into shouts as the journey progressed. And I almost screamed back every answer I had to their accusations. I said some very wrong things, which culmulated in me storming out of the car at the church entrance with tears of anger streaming down my face and my sister and I sitting at the opposite end of church this morning at mass. I really didn't want to go for catechism this morning but I forced a smile on my face and dragged myself to class. After which I went to the adoration room to seek solace from the outside world with their curious eyes on me. Once again in my utter desperation, I cried out in my heart for God to take the horrid transgressions of the morning, to take them all and help me to get through the rest of the day.

I couldn't and still can't understand how the horridness of my morning could be part of God's plan for me, but I've given up trying to understand and just seek to accept it all as part of His greater plan for me. I'm completely spent from trying to understand WHY, and so I have no choice but to accept it. This may seem like I'm going mad, but on my way home when all the tears had dried, I whispered a silent word of thanks in my heart for all that has happened so far. I had found yet another thing to be thankful for - the sky was so dark and had been threatening to unleash its torrent of rain for the longest time ever when I was on 70, but the rain held up until I got home. Not a single drop of rain had fallen on me to add to my tears falling.

*kelly

GOD BE THE DRIVER

2006-04-25T21:07:00.000+08:00

Hello Universe.
Thought I should share this. Today was like the other day, just slacking around, schooless today (: so on. I came online and read through my mails, read the warm fuzzies etc and I happen to read the little note that my exbest friend wrote and it seriously got me thinking. So I was pretty curious and all so I decided to have a little chat with a good friend who is like an elder brother to me, and he said to me that I should leave things to God and let God take control. True, like that bible verse "come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest" Somehow my mind say yes, I will let God take control, I will go to him and leave everything in his hands, however, my heart would say no. Anyway, I kept that thought with me throughout the day till I went for mass.

During the first reading, I couldn't make out what the reader was reading. Guess I was sleepy cause it seemed as though it was drifting in and out and pretty soft, so I strained to hear. I could make out a few words here and there, but I clearly remembered that this verse Stuck Out the most. I heard this part of the whole entire reading the clearest. The verse that made now my heart is willing to say yes, I will let go. I believe.

1 Peter 5:7
"Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you."

God spoke to me today through this verse. I cannot really express how stunned I still am,even now when I am typing this. I remembered when I heard this, I felt comforted and there was a certain kind of peace within my heart that I can never explain.
It reminded me of the camp that I attended last year, if I am not wrong its the zj retreat. One of the speaker was telling us that we are the passenger and God is the driver. We should let him be the driver and drive us where he intends to go and we should not be the backseat driver.

God works in his marvelous ways. Through my friend. Through the word. Through Nature. (:
Praise The Lord!
"HALLELUJAH
I AM NOT MY OWN,
YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
HALLELUJAH" - from the song to live is christ
-julie

PART TWO: if the world was without colours.

2006-04-22T13:19:00.000+08:00

Hello Universe.
Have you ever wondered what life would be like if God simply made the world just BLACK and WHITE? Would we still see the rainbow after the rain? Would fishermen be able to tell the thousands of fishes apart? Would people be able to tell butterflies apart? Would we be able to see which is green apple and which is the red apple? Would we even know that there is such a thing called colours?
The moon and the sun might just look the same. The night might just be the same as the day. Gardens and parks would have flowers of the same colour. Every fish would look like the other except that they differ in shape. Oh well, the only thing that I can think of now that will not change even if God did made the world without colour is that we will still see the zebra as black and white. (:
Anyway the clouds would not be that lovely blue and white:

The sky won't have that display of different colours when the sun sets or rises:

And remember the previous post that had so many pictures of the beautiful MULTICOLOUR coral reefs and fishes? If the world was just black and white, the reefs would simply be:

BUT THANKFULLY GOD DID NOT because He thought to himself, "I was thinking of making the world black and white. Then I thought... naaah." (: I'm so glad to have colours that brighten up my life! I shall leave you with more colourful pictures of the underwater world. Till the next post, I strongly encourage you to take a moment when you are outdoors, to pause and take in the sight and sounds of nature. It would be spectacular and each time would be a different experience. GOD BLESS.

Dear Lord, thank you for creating the world multicoloured and giving me the sight to marvel at your creation. The creation that glorify you without fail.

- julie

PART ONE: the world we never see.

2006-04-19T18:00:00.000+08:00

Hello universe. (:

HAPPY HOLY EASTER TO ONE AND ALL!

On Tuesday, the girls in my school prepared a slideshow filled with pictures of nature. The mountains, the animals that we see among us, pictures of wild animals in the wild, the clouds forming in the sky, so on and so forth. And also the ones that were previously published here on our blog. The pictures were brilliant stuff that really captured everyone and it reminded us how beautiful nature is and also the creator of them all. (:

But we as humans tend to take it for granted because we have seen so many of these everywhere. It has become such a common sight that we don't even take a moment to pause and look at it and marvel at its beauty. Its such a pity!

I was looking through my windsurfing stuff, and I was looking through the photos etc and then this idea struck me that the nature that we always see, the pictures that the media always show is all set here, right among us, on land . But why aren't there any pictures of the underwater world? The sea life? The beauty that so few people are able to have that chance to see. So I thought I should share this brilliant stuff.

Its just so amazing how God creates sea creatures and even create them in colours. MULTICOLOUR! (: ok, its not as though I have never seen colourful stuff before, but you know underwater, no one sees them except a few lucky divers, GOD and the creatures who live there. But then again, maybe its just GOD and those divers who see the colours right? Fishes and all are colour blind ( I think! ) .

This is just BRILLIANT stuff. I can't really express how much the underwater life means for me but let the pictures tell you all.

Without dragging on, here is

NATURE AT HER BEST! GOD'S EXTREMELY FANTASTIC WONDERFUL CREATION:

WE ARE ALL GOD'S ART PIECES, PART OF HIS INTRICATE PLAN.

-julie

2006-04-16T21:18:00.000+08:00

Happy Easter to all of you wonderful people!!!

YES! It's Easter Sunday finally. And I went for the vigil mass last night in IHM for the first time in my life and I tell you... It was really such a breathtaking, awe-inspiring experience. I was blown away by the grandeur and splendour of the entire mass, in the same church I've been attending mass every Sunday in. The choir was superb, the baptism of the RCIA people was WOW and it all left me feeling exhilerated and so happy. All of my senses were tingling in the electrifying atmosphere, there was just something different about mass last night but I can't quite place my finger on what it is. It wasn't just the soaring voices of the combined choir, nor was it just the golden vestments of the priests; it wasn't just the smoke spiralling up to the top of the church from everyone's candles, nor was it just the 5 readings and 4 psalms we were treated to. It was an extra special something for me, something I can't really define but something with a voice that spoke in my heart that convinced me that Jesus is truly alive in me today.

It has been a day-by-day uncovering of my eyes in my journey with the Lord. And when I say day-by-day, I truly mean it. Something happens to me everyday, and it isn't always some loud, spectacular happening. In fact, it more often than not is something small, some small happening that one could easily pass off as mere coincidence. Life in the Spirit is truly dynamic! There're a million and one things pushing and shoving at the top of my mind, just waiting for me to verbalise it all. Revelation after revelation has dawned onto me, but with every new realisation comes a dozen other questions! Yes, that's just me. My brain's eternally questioning and curious, even as I appear to do nothing with my life except sleep. But it's just a power-saving mode I adopt. Conserve energy and save it for what's truly important. Some of the questions I've found answers to by talking to some people like Daniel, Wilfred, Trina... Some of the questions found themselves answers through my own experiences. Some of the questions never found answers. And some of the questions which found answers bred even MORE questions!

But I believe God gave me such an impossibly insatiable mind for a good reason. I don't know what it is yet, but His ways are mysterious! That I do know for sure with a capital S. It's not easy for me to take my hurts, my sufferings, my crosses and bear them all with grace. It's so much easier for me to just whine to God about it all in my prayers, to ask Him to take all life's sorrows away from me. But although it's hard for me, for us to see how our trials are not for nothing, I'm constantly reminding myself that every single test I face must be part of His plan for me. To take me, this blackened, imperfect gold nugget from the river bed, and make me into the purest gold, by throwing me into the testing, trying fire.

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Let me be as gold, pure gold.
Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be holy
Set apart for You Lord
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You my Master
Ready to do Your will

The strange thing is that though I cannot and will not try to fathom why God wants me to go through certain trials, I have the utmost belief that all will be well in the end. See each one of us as a diamond in the rough if you will. The sufferings we go through in life - whether it's as mundane as enduring the monotony of endless office work (I shudder to even think about the great pile of paper waiting for me to fax/file/fold tomorrow morning in the office) or learning one of life's hardest and toughest lessons: learning how to love again, anything - they all serve to act as the diamond cutter's sharp laser in his ardous task of shaping the multi-faceted gem. And hopefully when we close our eyes for the last time ever at the end of our lives, the diamond cutter's work will have been done and we'll be the most brilliantly cut and polished diamonds when we meet our Father. More perfect than the most carefully crafted Firerose or Flanders-cut diamonds.

*kel

God's Wonders.

2006-04-11T20:33:00.000+08:00

Special Phenomenons: God's special Wonders:

Moonbow

Green Flash

Aurora

Joel

Walking in the desert. Be Unto Your Name Lord!

2006-03-29T17:25:00.000+08:00

After the pinnicle of the rally, when all spiritual highness that everyone has experiened had died away, it was the moment for me to reflect what Lent is really about.

In the past, even for the first two weeks of Lent in 2006, Lent is as ordinary as any day in the rest of the year. However, this time, I wanted this period of Lent to be special and extraordinary to me. There must be a purpose for Lent but what is it for me?

Till now, I still recall how I managed to realise how Pride is one of the major obstacles for me through this friend of mine.

Being a class chairman and always having the perception that my assistant class chairman (Yuen Loong) pushes everything to me to do, I always enjoy putting him down each time he says some childish remarks or does some childish actions ever since the last year. Spending the first 2 weeks pondering on what my resolution should be and what can I do for this Lent? (Not what can Lent do for me?)

On the 31th of March, as both Yuen Loong and I was involved in the Sports Day, we were walking out of school to have lunch together after the meeting and a sense of calmness and grace just washed over me. I felt as though there was a great need to apologise to him and I was just feeling so remorseful on how badly I treated him for a year. Taking the opportunity that is placed before me, I apologised to him thinking that he would crap up some stuff to rub me off (which I well-deserved). I was wrong.

He said one sentence that made me realised how stupid I was, how foolish my past actions seemed to be.

He just said, "It was all in the past."

At that moment, a knot in my heart was untangled. All is well. Since that day, we've become good friends.

This incident has created my resolution : To love all. Love is the message I carry through Lent and I knew that I would not have apologised to Yuen Loong without the grace of God. How wonderful He works! This has revealed the pride in me, unwilling to reconcile with my brother and always thinking that my perception is right.

"If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift."- Matthew 5:23-24 (this time it's me that have sinned against my brother)

"After this he went out and saw a tax collector named Levi sitting at the customs post. He said to him, "Follow me." And leaving everything behind, he got up and followed him. Then Levi gave a great banquet for him in his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were at table with them. The Pharisees and their scribes complained to his disciples, saying, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?"

Jesus said to them in reply, "Those who are healthy do not need a physician, but the sick do. I have not come to call the righteous to repentance but the sinners." "- Luke 5: 27-32

Just imagine this: It's dinner time at Levi's house, and his friends are sitting around, talking and laughing as they waited for him. But when he walks in, the room goes silent. He looks like a new man, beside Jesus, so full of peace and grace.

This Lent has become more unique for me, though I may sin, I know that HIS arms are always open wide to receive me back into His Kingdom-That's the power of His Love. How I long to die to myself and become more like Jesus, to become a New Creation, to become like Levi, a changed man. That's what my Lent is about. How about yours?

-Joel

2006-03-27T10:45:00.000+08:00

"People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centred.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior movites.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be fogotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honsty and frankness makes you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway."
- mother teresa

2006-03-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

I have been lonely! Yes, loneliness has struck even amid the many people I've surrounded myself with. In today's uber fast paced urban society, people are becoming increasingly lonely. It's a fact. Even though people are MORE in contact with one another with the aid of all the technology available - SMS, emails, MSN, the phone.. And yet, have you ever experienced that strange sensation, of feeling so alone in a crowd? I have! It's a really funny feeling, but it's so real.

But wait, hang on. Just what is 'loneliness', you may ask! According to the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, the word 'lonely'means to be unhappy because you are alone and feel that you do not have anyone to talk to. We humans are such feel-y creatures! So many things we do stem from what we feel. So anyway. I was feeling rather lonely the last week after coming from a more or less peaceful preceding week. Monday rolled by and even though I was meeting a friend for dinner, I couldn't help but feel unloved in general! On Tuesday, I met some of my old classmates for dinner and the lonely bug really bit me then. Some of them had brought along their boyfriends, and incidentally, I'm one of the two of us left unattached. It's silly I know, to feel unloved, unwanted etc. But I'm silly so often, and that's beside the point. It was at that point when I think I began to wallow in my self-pity. I was practically throwing a pity party for myself! Thinking despondent thoughts about wanting to just stay in bed and hide from the world, about how I was never going to fulfill my dream of having 11 kids (to form a football team) because I'm just so unlovable. You get my drift!

By Wednesday night, I realised what I was doing (enjoying my sad pity party) and decided to hit the books - my Bible, Rick Warren's Answers to Life's Difficult Questions and the Word Among Us. My readings led me to read about Paul's captivity in prison and his loneliness there - and I was thoroughly inspired by Paul's indomitable spirit. Even though he was forced to be alone in his cell, cut off from all his friends and the outside world, Paul didn't sit in a corner and cry, thinking sad thoughts about what he could be doing if he weren't imprisoned. Instead, the Bible tells us that Paul made good use of his time in prison. He studied and wrote some of the letters in the Bible today.

Which is what I should be doing! No no, not writing letters or studying. I mean making good use of my alone time.
"If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade."
So what I can do with all my time alone now is to make lemondade! Do some inner soul-searching to clear out the debris in my life, familiarize myself with the Bible, clean out the clutter in my room, read a few more books, listen to some good music.

To end off, I shall share one of the comforting verses that really popped in my face while I was reading.
God has said, "I will never leave you; I will never abandon you." -Hebrews 13:5
That's His promise to me and an assurance of His presence even when the feeling of being close to Him dwindles.

*kel

2006-03-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

The last week for me has been surprisingly good. I've been finding the time to do my QT and reflection almost every night. And I realise that building up a relationship with Him is really a personal choice that each one of us has to make. A close relationship with anybody doesn't just happen like that. Time and effort is needed to cultivate the intimacy. Similarly, a relationship with our Father doesn't just become a certain way overnight. I think personally for me, I can say with conviction now that I do have a relationship with God. It's coming slowly but surely with all the time I put aside each day especially for Him. Reading my bible before I go to sleep, ending my day with a prayer, deep in conversation with Him, beginning my day with a quick word of thanks that I'm alive another day. Even just talking to my dear Lord Jesus in my heart everyday when I'm at work in the office, doing my filing or typing, knowing that He is listening to every complaint I have.

I do have to say though, that sometimes I have to rely on blind, child-like faith to pull me through the days when it seems like He's not there. It's like, I just know deep inside me that He hasn't abandoned me EVEN THOUGH it seems like it. It goes beyond rational thought, our religion. And the bottomline is, what íf you think too much about the Hows and Whys of our entire religion and relationship with Him, skepticism may start to sink in. That's where faith steps in. That may be why the really brilliant scientists in our world both in the past and present were and are atheists. I'm far from being a brilliant thinker myself but my mind does tend to have curious tendencies, and as such, I used to question many aspects of our Catholic faith. I asked my dad how he knew that Jesus really died for us 2000 years ago. I asked my mom why the martyred saints allowed themselves to be killed when there was an alternative to life. Even quite recently in one of the bible classes on Thursday, I asked Cyril (the facilitator) why God had demanded animal sacrifices when the practice in itself is so cruel. Nevertheless, I've stopped wondering if God is real because I just BELIEVE He is, and that's enough for me now. (I used to wonder about that cos I'd never seen God, and neither had my parents or anyone I knew.)

Oops sorry, I seem to have really digressed. Where was I? Oh yes, relationships.

I honestly fully believe that God hasn't left me alone in this world to struggle through life without the necessary help. He gave me a wonderful community in ZJ - which very importantly, didn't give up on me, even when I pulled several irresponsible disappearing acts with no notice. I think that I did take my church community for granted too often in the past, which I feel now was really terrible of me. I only went for their sessions during the holidays and then made no conscious effort to continue going for the weekly meetings once school term began. Looking back now, I realise that I was being exceedingly childish, not at all mature as I had perceived myself to be then. Heh. It seems like I've got a lot of growing up to do still. Reality bites!

He also gave me this closer group of friends that we've named the little rocks, and it was only when we started this blog that I really began reflecting deeper about my faith and more importantly, actively pursuing that relationship with Him. I began setting aside more and more time each week, each day, to spend exclusively with Him. It was also with this group, with my fellow rocks, that I began opening up and sharing with others about what my God means to me. Before this, it was all input and no output. But now, there's a bit of both.

And. Last but not least, He gave me my inner circle of family and friends to journey with me. One friend I must mention in particular is Trina, whose presence in my life these days have become increasingly important. The most remarkable thing that He has done so far is to give the both of us almost exactly the same set of circumstances, the same emotions running through us and wrecking us inside - all so that she can understand exactly what I'm going through and vice versa. It's amazing, how our lives have been almost parallel ever since this year began. Things that I never imagined she would understand having never gone through the same thing before - she does too now. And what struck me was the preciseness of both our parallel lives, how the same thing seemed to happen to us at around the same time. It's almost as if God is showing me: Look here, I can't be down here with you sharing in your pain, but I give you your best friend, who will know exactly how you feel, because I will give her the same set of situations to grapple with.

When I was talking to her the other day, sharing with her about what was making me so eaten up inside, she totally surprised me when she said that she knew exactly what I was going through.. because she felt the same way too. Then she proceeded to tell me about what was going on in her life, and the similarities that unfolded left me in awe at His preciseness. Coincidence? I don't think so. That night, we spoke til very late, about how we both felt that He planned this especially so we wouldn't feel so alone in our struggles, about how different we both are but so inherently similar that it's like looking at 2 sides of the same coin sometimes, about how we both knew that He has plans for us in the future... so many things that we talked about. And I went to bed that night (morning? heh) feeling extremely comforted. Who needs a guy when I have my God-given girlfriend with me! Hah!

I've still got a gazillion things to learn about Him, to learn about my walk with Him, but I'm reallyreallyreally glad for all the friends and people He has planted around me to guide me on my Calvary here on earth. You all know who you are - my darling rocks, my dear rhinos, all my wonderful people in ZJ, my lovely pals, my sweet little sister, my loving family, my OTHER sister Tri and so many others! For all of you I've mentioned and all others I may have unintentionally missed out: I love you all tonnes and I know now that I would not be the person you see today if He hadn't put you all in my life.

*kel

2006-03-13T20:25:00.000+08:00

So, it's a Monday night and I'm sitting here in front of my computer after work. Feeling super tired still, feeling nicely full from the dinner my mom made, and.. what's this? A strange emptiness inside. The rally on Saturday was fantastic. And it's over.

The last 3 months have been tough, I won't lie about it and say that I enjoyed every single choir practice I had. Oftentimes, I felt like I was just in the choir because I couldn't do anything else. Some Sundays, I wouldn't feel like going down because there were so many other things I could be doing with my time. Meeting my friends in town to shop and eat, catching up on my sleep, finishing up a good book - these were just some of the other things I thought I could be doing with my time on a Sunday. Especially since I felt so useless in the choir. But through it all, I kept reminding myself of my reason for even committing to the rally in the first place last year in September. I wanted to come back to Him. And so, every sacrifice I had to make, I literally envisioned myself offering it up to Him. I constantly reminded myself everyday of a very simple prayer I pray every day and every time I feel inclined to give in to my own desires.

Let everything I do be for You, dear Jesus. Let every sacrifice I make be for You. Turn every 'no' I say to myself into a 'yes' for You.

And now that the rally is over, I don't feel satisfied that I have managed to see it through all the way. I don't feel happy that I have my Sundays to myself again. I feel so empty, so hollow, so lost that I can't help the tears that are falling now as I sit here in reflection of my rally journey. And yet on the other hand, there's also this sense of overwhelming joy inside that I can't explain, and the knowledge that the emptiness will pass just as the rally has passed me by comforts me greatly. Just as I was telling someone the other day - emotions are transient, even the deepest hurt will come to pass with time. Lots of time, maybe, but yes. What will stay with us once all the temporary feelings leave though, is what we have learnt from the entire experience.

p/s: I'm sorry for this overdue post. It was saved in the draft entries for the longest time ever and I only noticed it tonight when I came on with the intention of posting something else up.

*kel

The Heart of Worship. Climbing up Mt. Zion.

2006-03-12T21:50:00.000+08:00

Yes, finally! After digging up practically all the dusty and dirty things in my storeroom and my room, I've managed to found something that tells me most principles concerning- Having the Heart of Worship. Phew!

Before divulging anything further, there are some areas that I would like to share with all of you, my dear brothers and sisters.

At a praise and worship, are there times where you felt that you don't have the "oomph" (the special feeling that makes you to just surrender everything and just want to praise HIM) and totally felt that Jesus was not present there? How about the times where you're so distracted when the musicians/ worship leaders that are supposed to lead you into worship becomes an obstacle instead of a guide to bring you to HIM? Getting distracted when the worship leaders went off-key/sound awful, musicians playing the wrong chord etc? Or when pride takes over and at times you feel you can even do better than them (Singing/playing/leading) = Pride?

These was how I used to feel and I always ponder on how we can have a heart of worship for our God...
At this point in time, you must be asking: "Joel! What are the steps for me to have a heart of worship! How should we be really approaching each praise and worship?"

Now, it's time for me to reveal the notes that I found!

Last year, a group of us from Zion's Joy went for the "Integrity Media Asia and Campus Crusade Worship Seminar-2005" and the topic was on : " Developing a Biblical View of Intimate Worship" by Robert Brenner from Integrity Music.

He had shared with us TEN major worship principles which I had found them really meaningful and had made me to have a clearer picture on the concept of having a heart of worship.

Worship Principles:

1. Worship is central to life.

2. Worship is a journey, not a destination (Worship is not just being there during the praise and worship, but living our lives out as a worship to God. Living worship as a lifestyle)

3. True worship is an obedient response to God, His call and His work in our lives.

4. Worship is ultimately about substance, not form or style.

5. Intimate worship comes as the results of "knowing" God as a friend (e.g David & Moses)

6. The call to lead worshippers is to faithfully bring others to that "river of worship" and offer them the opportunity to "jump into" God's presence and know His Glory--> In short, Bringing Jesus to others, and others to Jesus through worship. *However, we must be good worshippers as well.

7. Worship is about SURRENDER, not performance.

8. True worship causes others to see "Christ in you, the hope of glory"

9. Worship IS Jesus.

10. Worship is a CHOICE. (If we just based on feelings, aren't we doing Jesus an injustice? He deserves to be Praised all the time!)

I think most of you have gotten most of your questions answered by just these 10 principles and I agree it is truly difficult trying to achieve a heart of worship but we shall all try as a community. Amen?

Testimony

An affirmation from God

After the session, we had a long period of prayer and during the prayer, Robert Brenner had a message from God. He said, "there is something joyful over there, on my left (which is the right side of the theater, pointing around Our area) , definitely something about Joy. The Lord is pleased with your group and is asking you to continue with your ministry to administer to your people."

It was only when Mervyn Lek told me that I realised that Robert Brenner was talking about us. Zion's Joy. When I heard that, I was just so impressed and amazed on how God works through His people. How profound and complex is Our God! Till now, I take this to heart and I hope that this testimony will be a confirmation to all my fellow ZJ members and all of our brothers and sisters out there who are working endlessly in their ministries to give Our God the glory. Hang in there! Our Lord affirms and guide, precise and accurate all the time. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you."

" True Worship is to be so personally and hopelessly in love with God that the idea of a transfer of affection (doing anything else) never even remotely exists" A.W Tozer

Joel

Youth Rally 2006

2006-03-12T00:53:00.000+08:00

Hey fellow little rocks of Christ!!! Here I am to make some noice in this blog again! It has been quite long since there was an entry ya?
Indeed, the youth rally 2006 has just passed. Indeed, thinking about it again, I feel that the youth rally simply flashed past before me. I could still remember the first time we were splitted up into our various groups like the choir (which I was in), the actors/actresses, the logistics etc. I could still vividly remember the practices we had gone through! The long hours... the joy, sadness as well as frustration. But then it was today that GOD showed me what he meant when he said that HE will make things happen.. as long as we journey in faith together. As the scriptures said, " when two or three are gathered in my name, there I will be in their midst". And indeed today, GOD was there.Coming to think of it, I think that this event was a blink of an eye for me. I feel that it has passed by too fast. I could still not believe that the event has passed. Looking at the SYDR website again, it brings me back to the stage when we were still practising. Indeed, I am still trying to come to terms that this event has passed. Because this event was AWESOME (and I seriously mean it) and yet it passed too fast for me.
Indeed, there was much energy chanelled through forms of music and praise and acting. There was much joy and everyone enjoyed.. with people joining in the worship, clapping and singing as one BIG COMMUNITY!!! But amidst all these joy and energy, what made this rally SO UNFORGETTABLE for me is the adoration. As all of you all are aware, during adoration, there was the presence of the blessed sacrament. I can honestly tell you that my knees were trembling during the presence of the blessed sacrament and I simply felt weak. I could literally feel the might of CHRIST, which was why I was feeling weak in HIS presence. I was on the verge of going to the backstage to take a rest. But then, God whispered to me and said this," DO NOT BE AFRAID" . This feeling of comfort was further sparked off when when one of our fellow brothers shared about the footprints in the sand. At that moment, I was touched by that message and i stayed on and praise the LORD, I managed to last throughout the whole rally. So I want to give A BIG THANK YOU to GOD who made all these things possible for me and for each and everyone of US!!!
Indeed, the rally was a huge success, not because the people were clapping, but really to me, it was a huge success because GOD's presence was felt!!! ALLELUIA!! Praise the LORD !!! So, my brothers and sisters, does this mean our job has ended? If u think so... you are........ WRONG!!! because this is just one small part of a big milestone as what one of our fellow brothers said. EVANGELISATION should not only be conducted during the rally, but it should be conducted AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE!!! Also, even though the rally has ended, dun forget to continuously seek CHRIST. That's what the rally was all about, to kick-start this search. Now, it's up to us to seek him further and to truly discover HIS marvellous works in us!!! ok.. it's getting late.. gonna stop here!!! PRAISE THE LORD ONCE AGAIN!!!

-Jerry-

2006-03-02T22:38:00.000+08:00

ATTENTION!
Serangoon Youth District Rally (SYDR)
Date : 11 March 2006 (Sat)
Time : 6pm - 9.30pm
Venue : SJI Performing Arts Centre

Guest speaker : Fr. Simon Pereira

It would be an evening of fun, praise & worship, drama, testimonies and adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. Please bring along your non-Catholic friends/relatives. For more information please visit http://www.sydonline.org/crossroadsrally

Pride and forgiveness

2006-02-26T23:57:00.000+08:00

What seemed to have started out as a dreary, work-filled weekend has actually concluded on a more or less lighter note for me! Throughout the weekend, I've been grappling with the issues of PRIDE, and FORGIVENESS. You may be wondering like, huh? How come she's suddenly so random. Pride and forgiveness aren't exactly synonymous with each other. Patience my good friends! Bear with me as I get to my point. It's not exactly easy to word out my thoughts on this particular issue, simply because I'm still raw from the emotions involved.

Okay, let me start by admitting one of by biggest hidden weaknesses. It's so hidden that I barely recognise it in myself most of the time. It is Pride. Yeah, you may be thinking that that's no big deal, that everyone possesses a certain degree of pride in some form or the other. In fact, males are often seen to possess such pride in excessive quantities in the form of the tender Male Ego. Heh. But anyway, moving rapidly on. In what ways has this particular sin manifested itself in me? Oh, in many many small, subtle ways! Really, the Evil One has his sneaky ways of doing his works here on earth. He plants his small malicious seeds of sin in the hearts of us humans, deceiving us into thinking that there's nothing seriously wrong with doing/thinking something, simply because society claims it to be the norm. For me, I never really thought that pride was an issue with me because I didn't think that I looked down on people or thought I was exceptionally better than others. These are just some forms of the sin we all know as pride. But upon deeper reflection, I realised that my unwillingness to forgive IS a form of pride too.

Without elaborating too much, I basically had a lot of trouble truly forgiving some people for all the hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, that they had caused me. It has been difficult in the sense that although I tell myself that yes, I've forgiven him/her, deep within me still lies this resentment towards the person which I try to cover with layers and layers of... i don't know what. Heh. And upon further contemplation this weekend, I surmised that this deeply felt resentment is due to my pride. Simply put, I am unable to truly forgive because I am too proud to let the particular affliction to my pride just slide by me. My pride insists that I never forget what he/she has done to me and keeps dredging up the wounded feeling revisiting the particular incidents bring.

So on Friday night, after realising that my pride is my bondage and obstacle to true forgivness, I felt compelled to look up at the crucifix hanging on my bedroom wall. As I turned my eyes literally heavenward (cos my crucifix is hung quite high up), I was suddenly very aware of a huge feeling of overwhelming shame at my own pettiness. Because. As I was staring up at the cross, I remembered that Jesus so wholeheartedly and sincerely forgave those who had inflicted the ultimate physical pain of crucifixion and death onto Him with the words: "Forgive them, Father! They don't know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) It then struck me that if Jesus could forgive those who sentenced Him to die, why can't I find it in my selfish human heart to forgive those who have inflicted what I have perceived to be deep hurts to me? My 'hurts' are nothing compared to Jesus's suffering!

What totally convinced me that my inability to truly forgive was at the crux of my uneasiness of mind throughout the last week came in the form of constant reassurances from Him. On Friday night when I was just about to go to sleep, a tune came to my head and I started humming it out loud. After a while, the words of the song came to me, and I realised that it was Loving and Forgiving.

Loving and forgiving are you, Oh Lord.
Slow to anger, rich in kindness.
Loving and forgiving are You.

The Lord is slow to anger and rich in kindness. And so so so forgiving!

Then just today, when I was reading the Catholic News in the toilet, I came across this tiny article on page 16 about Singaporeans' favourite Christian songs, according to an online poll done. One of the songs on the list was He, which is by the way, my all time favourite song. I've loved it ever since I was a little girl going for mass on Sunday, even before I could truly comprehend the words. All I knew was that I loved it because the song comforted me greatly and made me feel safe. When I started to play hymns on the piano, this was among the first songs I learnt to play, and I used to play this song whenever I felt down and out.

So I started singing the song as I was in the shower, to remind myself of the comfort I used to derive simply from hearing the song. Having felt rather down and out the last few weeks.

He can turn the tide, and calm the angry sea.
He alone decides who writes a symphony.
He can take the stars, and make the darkness bright.
He keeps watch all through each long and loney night.
He still finds the time to hear a child's first prayer.
Saints or sinners call and always find Him there.
Though it makes Him sad to see the way we live

then the last line came out from my lips and it felt like stunned for a moment at the preciseness of it all.

He'll always say:
I forgive.

It was a bit like a splash of ice cold water on the face, a tight slap, if you'll have it. I felt that He was asking, that if in spite of all our sins, He will always say "I forgive", then why can't you say "I forgive" and actually mean it when someone has caused you pain? Hello, Jesus forgave those who KILLED Him!

Because it is getting late and I feel like I'm going round in circles, I shall end off here. But the bottomline is that by constantly reminding myself of Jesus's own example of selfless forgiveness, I believe I will someday be able to really walk in His footsteps and forgive those who I feel have hurt me with all my heart, with no more bitterness. Just His limitless love.

*kel

HE HEARS ME WHEN I CALL

2006-02-25T00:33:00.000+08:00

Hello Universe!
For those literature lovers, I am rather sure that you would find this interesting. Today, I had literature lesson with dearest Mrs. D Tan! She was going through a new poem entitled, On His Blindness by John Milton. The poem had an impact on me when Mrs. Tan went into in-depth analysis and so I decided to share it! (:

But before I begin,
Have you ever wondered what serving God was all about?
Was it because my close friends were serving him, so I want to be 'in' so I do the same?
Or was it because I serve due to the fact that I didn't have anything else to do?

How do you define serving?
Many people out there would simply reply saying that by using our talents that God gave us, we are considered to be serving him.
Or just by helping someone in need is serving him.
But what are talents?
Do we really know what the real definition is?
Or are you still clueless as to what talents you have?
Ever wondered where and when do we use these talents?

There are so many ways in which we can serve our beautiful Lord. However, we can’t possibly do everything. But have you started with yourself? How you, yourself, your life, the everyday things that you face could become part of serving and giving glory to him.

Anyway, on his blindness, by John Milton was written in the 1660s. Milton is seen as a very religious man who speaks about God in all of the poems that he has composed. In his youth, he was preparing himself to join the priesthood which he eventually did not. But that's not my point here. So here is how the poem goes:

On His Blindness
WHEN I consider how my light is spent
E're half my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide,
Lodg'd with me useless, though my Soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
Doth God exact day-labour, light deny'd,
I fondly ask; But patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts, who best
Bear his milde yoak, they serve him best, his State
Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o're Land and Ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and waite.

The poem depicts the life of a speaker who is losing his eyesight and because he was losing one of his senses, he pondered the fact that if it was gone, how he was going to serve God. Without his sight he would not be able to write anymore about God, and that was his talent. So here in the poem we are reminded of the parable of the 3 servant and their master who entrusted talents to them in Matthew 25: 14-30. What do we choose to do with these talents?

Since the speaker was losing his eyesight, he began to question God, "I fondly ask" without the sight, how was he going to serve Him. And like Jerry's testimony of God coming in a gentle whisper, God was depicted as "patience" who replied with a "murmur".

This is the part where it had a great impact: "God doth not need/ either man’s work or his own gifts, who best/ bear his milde yoak, they serve him best." I didn't understand it at first because it was written in old English but after Mrs. Tan explain, I was simply stunned.
That phrase simply means, "God does not need the gifts of man nor their talents for them to serve him. Even if we didn't use them he didn't mind. But those who can carry and endure their suffering and burden, they serve him the best."

I was just struck with awe at that moment because I was thinking about what talents I have and how and when did I use them to serve him. At that point, Mrs. Tan explained that phrase to us, and gosh, it felt as though He, our mighty, loving God was speaking to me! That it was just not our talents that we could use to serve him. Even our daily struggles and toils would do.

So serving is not just about using our talents and getting the credit or getting the status that we want.
It is not about doing what others are doing.
Instead,
It is about doing what YOU KNOW IS RIGHT and most importantly having that STRONG DESIRE TO DO IT.
So I guess the starting point of serving Him is ourselves, we can begin from the basic of just clinging on dearly to him, when we are facing the constant obstacles. For when we can conquer serving him that way, then we are able to serve him in other ways.

I was awe-struck too by the fact that Milton manage to radiate his strong love and passion for God through these simple 14 lines. And the fact that he also showed us that people back at his time, 1660s would follow Christ and spread his word over land and ocean without rest ( "thousands at his bidding speed/ and post o’re land and ocean without rest") . Such conviction and passion for our Lord they had, makes me feel so ashamed.

Remember there is nothing that we cannot conquer in life! "I can do everything through him who strengthens me" (philippians 4:13)
Like what I told a close friend, the sun will definitely shine after a rainy day! (:

Till the next time, God Bless You!

-Julie.

Luke 15:11-32

2006-02-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

Luke 15:11-32
The parable of the prodigal son.

Argh! I really wanted to blog about this tonight but I'm so tired! So this will have to be a space filler first. And also to remind me of what it was I wanted to say.

And this also!

Loving and forgiving are you, O Lord
Slow to anger, rich in kindess
Loving and forgiving are you.

Aiyoh. I'm bursting to share this but my eyes are closing on me. I hope this same enthusiasm will still be there when I'm free to sit and articulate my thoughts either tomorrow or Sunday.

*kel

Footprints In The Sand

2006-02-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

FOOTPRINTS...A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily,consistently, rarely varying the pace. But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts,stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon parallelingHis consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends! This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem togrow larger. Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set offootprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all overthe place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints. You are amazed and shocked.

Your dream ends. Now you pray: "Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."

When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first." There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice. "You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and atime to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

I ASKED GOD I asked for a flower,
He gave me a garden.
I asked for a tree,
He gave me a forest.
I asked for a river,
He gave me an ocean.
I asked for a friend,
He gave me "YOU."

-Joel

See You face to face.

2006-02-22T14:25:00.000+08:00

Sitting at my desk in the office yesterday, going through the monotonous actions of typing in the data and folding the tax invoices, I was suddenly conscious of a huge wave of negativity welling up in my heart. I think it was cos I was thinking about all that had happened the past week. So much in such a small space of time! Relationships have gone topsy-turvy, my own physical self so tired out that I dozed off in the toilet TWO DAYS while at work and nearly fell into the toilet bowl (the squatting kind), hearing about certain people again. Aiyah, I could just go on complaining about how badly my week went.

But I shan't! Because that isn't the point of my post.

My point is that while I was feeling super low and overwhelmed with the sudden compulsion to cry and cry, this song suddenly popped into my head.

Say the word and I will sing for You
Over oceans deep I will follow
If each star was a song
And every breath of wind praise
It would still fail by far to say
All my heart contains
I simply live, I simply live for You.

As the glory of Your presence now fills this place
In worship we will see You face to face
There is nothing in this world to which You can be compared
Glory on glory, praise upon praise
You bind the broken-hearted
And save all my tears
And by Your Word You set the captives free
There is nothing in this world
That You cannot do
I simply live, I simply live for You.

And for a good long while, I couldn't think of the reason why this song kept playing itself over and over in my head. Then when I got back home and did a lyrics search for the song, I realised why! As you might have already noticed, I've bolded the bits that really struck me.

To understand the song's significance, I had to cast my mind back to the Kelly of 4 or 5 years ago. On that day, my 13 year old self was sitting in the prayer room in IJ, feeling as though my heart was breaking. You have to understand though, that what made me feel so utterly torn then probably wouldn't have the same effect on me now. I was crying my heart out over my Math results (heh) and feeling so so alone because EVERYONE in my class did really well for it. I can't remember what I got now, but all I know is I was absolutely terrified of what my dad would say. All I remember now is his constantly high expectations where my academic results were concerned, especially for Math and Science (cos he was good at those while at school). So anyway on that particular afternoon, I was sitting in the prayer room, not daring to go home but not knowing where else to go either. I tucked myself into a little corner behind a pillar and hugged my knees close to me, craving for some form of physical comfort from a friend. But as it was, it was quite late after school and no one was around. My mind began to wander, began to think of all the possible harsh words my father would yell at me. What I was most afraid of him saying was that I didn't try hard enough. Everytime he said those words you didn't try hard enough, I would burst into tears because those words hurt.

So as I sat in my corner curled up, I closed my eyes and just let my sadness wash over me. What happened next could have been purely a figment of my imagination, but I am convinced now that it wasn't. In the blackness of my closed eyes, I could see a very loving vision so clearly that my tears just flowed. No longer out of sadness, but out of joy. I saw Jesus with His arms outstretched to me. And I felt Him embrace me so tenderly that I didn't feel scared anymore. All I felt at that moment was a pure intense outpouring of love for me, and I was weeping with joy for it. I saw His beautiful loving face smiling as He took me by the hand, radiant with light and I don't know what else. That instant couldn't have lasted for more than a few minutes, but I felt like an enternity had passed. When the vision faded from my mind's eye and I opened my eyes again, my fear and sadness was completely completely gone and all that remained were the tears for having felt so unconditionally loved.

I know, the whole incident seems so surreal even as I relate it now. I remember telling my mother about my encounter with the Lord and I can still remember the tremor in her voice as she told me that I was extremely fortunate. She didn't disbelieve me at all. On the contrary, she seemed fully convinced of the authenticity of what I'd told her. And she kept asking me to retell what I'd told her. She wanted to know every detail.

It amazes and shames me to think that I could have forgotten this for all these years after that until on Monday, when I was overcome with that same hopelessness. He must have been trying to remind me of that moment in time 4 years ago.

*kel

Remembering Uncle Victor Samy

2006-02-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

Today is the funeral of Uncle Victor Samy and he has returned to the Lord on Friday(17th Feb, 2006).

Till today, I haven't really gotten over the loss of Uncle Victor and my heart was weeping over him today during mass. I'm still in the state of shock as his death came as a surprise to all who knew him, as he had a sudden heart attack on last Friday. It feels really weird to grieve over the loss of your love ones but yet rejoicing, knowing that he is already in heaven with the Lord.

He was a Soldier for Christ, claiming many victories and territories for the Lord(A Jabez indeed!) and being so in-tuned with the Holy Spirit. Uncle Victor and his wife Auntie Margaret, has dedicated their lives entirely to God and spent the past 20+ years of their lives administering to many people- Uncle Victor able to touch people even in prison bars being a prison officer and the pair of them touching and converting so many people's lives (truly living their lives to the fullest and making fishers of men). Every night, they have the devotion to Mother Mary, going to various houses for 9 day novenas be at the house praying and leading the family, drawing them closer and taking that step towards Jesus and His mother.

I remembered him telling my family and I some conversion stories after praying the rosary(when the 9 days novena was being held at my house), it was like an re-enactment of Mary at the feet of Jesus, sitting there and listening to him, as if it was the very words that come from the mouth of Uncle Vic was of Jesus's and it was based on these testmonials and advices he gave me, that was the stepping stone to my spiritual journey to desire a personal relationship with Our God. He has fulfiled being the "light of the world and salt of the earth"- Matthew 5:13 being there to share his life with others. Picture this: A house having a chandelier that is lighted up and the light is so intensified and bright BUT you are standing outside the house. However, the light could still be seen as it floods out between the cracks on the door and gaps between the windows. That light was Uncle Victor.

Thank you Uncle Vic, for leading me to Jesus.

- Joel

GOD'S MIGHT AND A WHISPER

2006-02-20T13:14:00.000+08:00

these little rocks of Christ

Hey Everyone!!! Actually what I am about to share happened yesterday.

The day started smoothly and normally. So I thought to myself," Today is going to be great!!!" But I was about to be proven wrong. When I went for the SYDR choir practice, frustration overwhelmed the whole place, people rushing each other as we were about to start late for our practice. The picture painted on most of their faces was a moody one. As a result, my mood was adversly affected. However, I believe that our GOD OF WONDERS will indeed work WONDERS during the whole rally practice. And the first significant sign came when we pratised our P&W songs!!! Everyone started dancing and worshipping!!! Praise the Lord!!! The conviction of their praise and worshipping truly showed me the might of GOD and convinced me that HE was indeed in our midst. After the first part of P&W practice, we had a break. During the midst of the break, my mood hit rock bottom again. I was in deep thought about some issues. And i sat down at one corner. looking up the sky, silently talking to GOD, hoping to find my answer. Just then, the rest of the JUST KIDDING gang came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I want to take this opportunity to apologise to them because I did not sound my issue, reason being tis not the right time yet. For this, I want to join my ZJ bro Joel in thanksgiving to GOD for granting me this wonderful and awesome group of friends. And thus came the last part of the P&W practice. Everyone was worn out due to the long day of practice, including me. I thought to myself," no matter how tired I am, i will still praise and worship HIM with all my might!!!" Part of the reason I wanted to truly praise and worship him was because I wanted to find my answer. But that is just but one of the many reasons why I wanted to truly worship HIM at that point of time. And thus the songs of worship and praise were played. And at that point of time, my spirit was lifted up to heaven's height again!!! Not only me, but the whole entire choir. We were once again dancing. This reminds me of one of the verses of a song titled," This Is How We Overcome". It goes like this," You Have Turned Our MOURNING To DANCING". Indeed, HE has turned all our mourning into dancing and this further show GOD's MIGHT and WONDER, how he can truly lift our spirits up when we are down. But then, I did not receive the answer to my issue yet. But I did not lack faith. I BELIEVE HE will answer me as long as i kept my faith in HIM.

When I was on my way home, I looked at the sky because the clouds were breathtaking and very nice, which totally caught my attention. Just then, I was asking HIM again. And this time, my answer was found. A word was whispered in my heart. That word is, " HOPE". This reminded me of the session which i gave not long ago which is about HOPE and STRENGTH. But what I am about to highlight now is not the hope and strength, but rather how GOD speaks to us in the most gentlest of ways. GOD does not come in ways like wind, tempest and earthquake. But rather, GOD comes in gentle ways like a whisper, which is why sometimes it is not that GOD does not speak to us, but it is us who missed GOD's answer and calling. GOD always calls but we often close our heart. Open up your hearts and listen to his voice, harden not your heart. Always look to him in expectant faith and one day, you will experience his marvelous works in you!!! Thus, as long as one has faith in HIM, he/she will definitely hear GOD speaking through him/her.

And I also want to thank the Lord for protecting Joel's wrist!!! Praise The Lord!!! Joel.. all the best!!! Wish you a speedy recovery! And I also want to thank Jul, Jo and Kel for being there for me when i was feeling down. I promise I will tell all of you what my issue is when the time is right.

Last but not least, I want to remind everyone that although GOD is almighty, HE will always approach us in silent ways. So, my brothers and sisters, let us answer his call when he knocks gently at the doors of our hearts.

He said, "Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains breaking rocks into pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave to wait for the Lord.- 1 Kings 19:11-13

-Jerry-

God's immense Love

2006-02-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

I'm here to catch up with my blogging, since I've missed out so much during the weeks. Disaster struck on Tuesday, I fell during PE lesson as we were made to run backwards like a bunch of monkeys and there was a sharp pain at my right wrist. The pain was immense and excruciating, causing me nearly to faint on the spot. My parents and I went to Mount Alvernia shortly after that and I was so afraid that my wrist would be fractured, as I might be downgraded when I enter army next year (One of my dreams is to go through army training). There I was in the car, clutching my wrist and praying to God silently with expectant faith. Peace flooded me and covered me like a cloak while I was praying and the doctor actually couldn't tell whether my bone was fractured even after I had taken an X-ray and has referred me to a specialist.

The following morning, the specialist said it was just a slight crack and I'll be proper and fine after 6 weeks =) Praise the Lord! He answers, surely. During just these short 5 days, I have experienced the unconditional love of God working through so many many people. One particular classmate of mine (Zhong Hui) has touched me with his actions and has allowed me to see Jesus working so powerfully in him. He was there most of the time with me in school literally being my right hand- Opening my pencilbox for me each time I need it, lending me notes, opening chili packets for me, entertaining with all his lame jokes. Jesus, I am so thankful to see you present so obviously in this friend of mine and I expressed my utmost gratitude for working this miracle in my life. Besides that, my ZJ(Zion's Joy) brothers and sisters were there concerned for me and the last AND best of all, my family, expressing so much love for me that it's overflowing.

I've to thank God for so many things

1. My right wrist is cracked and I am left handed
2. My wrist is cracked but not as severe as fractured
3. To showed HIS love for me through my family and friends
4. For performing such a miracle in my life.
5. Thanks for being my right hand during this time my Lord.

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you!"- Philippians 1:3

-Joel

Introduction of the next follower of Christ

2006-02-19T21:17:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone,

I am Joel, which means being a Declarer of God. Our group: Just Kidding (Julianna, Jerry, Kelly and myself) have finally refined our groups' name, changing it to The Little Rocks. Cool ya? We got this name when Kelly and I attended this little rocks bible study group, along with the rhinos (www.godsrhinos.blogspot.com) and this sentence was written on the whiteboard- "Jesus IS the Big Rock and we are all HIS little rocks" This strikes a chord in my heart as it reminded me of the promise that Jesus made to Peter( which means rock), to build his church. Though this sentence left my sight after I've walked out of that place that night, that sentence remained in the hearts of Kelly and I. Therefore, the 4 of us found it meaning and decided to called ourselves the Little Rocks! Both god's rhinos and us belong to a youth music minisry called Zion's Joy, from the church of Immaculate Heart of Mary. We are inspired to start this blog because of these rhinos and we're here to share with all of you how God has touched our hearts and worked ( and is still working) so marvellously every second of our lives!

-Joel

God Count On US

2006-02-18T00:08:00.000+08:00

Today, was reading through the sheets of paper to prepare for tmr's session. And this little poem really strike me alot. It showed to me how important it was for us, Christians to reach out to those who have yet to know who our Lord Jesus Christ is. It showed the importance of evanglising! so here is goes:

Only God Creates
but we are called to enhance that creation.

Only God gives life
but we are called to cherish life.

Only God makes to grow
but we are called to nourish that growth.

Only God gives faith
but we are called to be signs of God for each other.

Only God gives love
but we are called to care for each other.

Only God gives hope
but we are called to give each other reason to hope.

Only God gives power
but we are called to get things going.

Only God can bring peace
but we are called to build bridges.

Only God brings happiness
but we are invited to be joyful.

Only God is the way
but we are called to show the way to others.

Only God is light
but we are called to make that light shine in the world.

Only God makes miracles happen
but we must offer our loaves and fishes.

Only God can do the impossible
but it's up to us to do what is possible.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
- julie

I can only

2006-02-17T04:48:00.000+08:00

I finally know why some of my friends always tell me to talk to God whenever I'm feeling sad!!!It was when I was in the toilet just now after lunch when this came to me:

I can only care as a human can, but He can care in a far greater capacity.
I can only listen to your words with my human ears, but He can listen and look right into the core of your heart.
I can only reach out to dry your tears with my human hands, but He can reach out from His place in heaven to touch your very grief and heal your wounded soul.

I don't really know why the thought came to me. It just did. And I know, of all places to be struck by such an inspiring thought! The toilet! Heh.
The Lord really has a sense of humour sometimes.

*kel

ONLY HE CAN SATISFY

2006-02-16T12:05:00.000+08:00

The past few weeks has been dramatic, exhausting, simply a mad rollercoaster. Overloaded schedules, crazy emotional mood swings and stupid mistakes and misunderstanding but through all this, I have came to learn a really important lesson. No matter how much of project we take on, no matter how many stupid things that we do, God is always there and he alone can satisfy us. No one else but him.

A day ago, while I was reading the daily meditations of the word among us, I began reflecting on all the events that took place since the beginning of 2006. Happy moments. Sour moments. Good and bad times. Then, as I read the meditation which began with " Whenever you face trails of any kind, consider it nothing but joy." (james 1:2)Then I began thinking, joy? Why joy? After all the nonsense that I've been through. And then I began to think hard, why joy?
And today, I finally understood the meaning. Through these trails and test, though they may hurt sometimes, but the end result of it is definitly good.
A close friend once told me that every test and every trail that we face, its a test to make us and to shape us into a better person.

So those of you out there, feeling exhausted, burnt out, i urge you to just perserve, because everything happens for a reason, and these may come as bad to us but later on in the years as we reflect back, we'll be able to see the goodness in it. HANG IN THERE! (:for the Lord says that he will never abandon us.

" We gives thanks. We give praise. For we know that all things work together for our good."
- julie.

Coincidence?

2006-02-16T04:37:00.000+08:00

It's lunch time in the office! And because I'm too broke to venture out everyday to eat my lunch, I bring my own food and while away the lunch hour in the office. Since I have the hour free, I always try to spend this hour with Him! Just sitting outside on the bench with the wind blowing on my face alone, not thinking about anything. I think I'm learning how to sit quietly at the feet of Jesus, like Mary. :)

I used to think that life was one big coincidence. That is the HUMAN mentality! Meeting some people certainly weren't coincidences. Living so near Trina and meeting her definitely isn't a coincidence. She was God-sent to be my confidante, my pillar of strength, my listening ear... my best friend. If she weren't living so near to me, we wouldn't be meeting up so often and wouldn't be so close as a result. She was also the one who taught me that there's more to the Catholic faith than just Sunday mass and catechism classes. When I met her in Sec 1, she was in the Legion of Mary. And her deep faith and intimate relationship with God truly inspired me and made me want to know more about Him. It was no coincidence meeting her I feel, cos if I hadn't met her then, I wouldn't have had the yearning to want to know Him better. Now, I believe that God had sent her along my way to sow the seeds of faith in me. It makes me smile now to think that God had a plan for me all along. Trina's continual presence in my life is testament to that.

Again, I relate another incident that I would have attributed to coincidence before but now believe that is part of His bigger plan for me. A couple of weeks ago, I was suddenly filled with the desire to read the Bible, to deepen my knowledge of Scripture. So I began by picking up my Bible every night for about half an hour before going to bed. For the strangest of reasons, I started with the Book of Daniel. I wasn't thinking about why I wanted to start with that book, I just picked up the Bible and my hands automatically flipped to Daniel. So without much further thought, I read the book in 2 nights and moved on to Corinthians. A few nights later, when I met the rhinos at NUS to just eat and talk, Wilfred and Clement asked me if I was interested in joining them for some Bible study classes about the Book of Revelation. I thought why not, since I was already wanting to read more of the Bible at that time. When I went for the first class last Thursday night, I found out that the Book of Daniel is of a similar kind to the Book of Revelations, in that both are apocalytic literature. When I heard it, I remembered that I had recently read Daniel on what seemed like a complete whim. And now looking back, I know that it must have been the hand of Jesus that held my hand as it picked up the Bible that night to begin my faith journey. It was His hand that guided mine to turn the pages to Daniel so that I would be more familiar with the apocalyptic form of literature that Revelation is.

Mere coincidence? I think not! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this world. It's nice to know that God has planned what He wants to do with me. And I reiterate: How great is our God!

*kel

The pairs

2006-02-16T01:18:00.000+08:00

And Jesus sent His disciples out in pairs to do His work, according to the Bible.Sitting on the bus this morning on my way to work, I was looking out of the window. And I saw that the mynahs too, go out in pairs as they go about their little bird-ways, doing their bird work. It was like a confirmation of sorts of the validity of God's word. I'm such a difficult person. I need confirmation from God, then double confirmation and triple affirmation before I'm fully convinced. But I'm working on my Doubting-Thomas like mentality.

Oh, and another thing happened on the bus ride to work this morning. I was feeling so tired from all the things going on in my life - work, rally practices, catechism which I am supposed to teach this week, meeting up with my friends, personal ISSUES. So I started asking God to show me why I'm doing all this, for the reason for my doing all these things. (I realise now that I was being a Martha!) And the next thing I knew, the song that began playing on my player was 'How Great Is Our God'.

I didn't realise that He was trying to talk to me through the song until this line repeated itself several times in the chorus:

How great is our God, sing with me, how great is our God.Sing with me, how great, how great is our God!

Then it just hit me that I was doing all this work for Him! Because He's so great, as the song reminded me! It never ceases to amaze me how God tells me so much, if only I were to listen and be aware. This morning's realisation amazed me all over again, as if it were the first time He had spoken to me to reassure me.The Lord is indeed active in our lives! He works in His little ways to let me - or rather, us - know that He is present. :) The mynahs indeed!

*kel

Mary and Martha

2006-02-15T04:46:00.000+08:00

The past week has been insanely uphill-downhill for me. So many issues have cropped up such that they've become obstacles in my life. And I'm mentally and emotionally spent from trying to do everything right. Not to mention thoroughly exhausted in my physical body too! But that's the least important aspect of all my exhaustion, I feel.

I've been so caught up with my own human problems and how I can solve them that I forgot that Jesus can solve them all for me, if only I'd let Him! Like Mary and Martha in the bible. I'm Martha, so busy with my human chores and work. I need to learn to be like Mary, to sit quietly at the feet of Jesus with an open and still heart, to listen to what He has to say and not worry about anything else.

So this morning, when I got up at 6.45am, I lay in bed in the dark for about 10 minutes in total silence. Not thinking about anything, not worrying about the day ahead. I was trying to listen out for Jesus's voice in my heart. And He DID touch me! I felt a sense of such immense peace as I lay there with the comforter pulled up to my chin. And the peace was so overwhelming that I knew it must have been from Him.

For He said, I will give you peace, a peace that the world cannot give.

And when I finally sat up and decided to start getting ready for work, I tried to pull back my momentarily discarded thoughts to myself. And what made me so sure that the wonderful peaceful feeling I felt earlier on was from Him was when my previously heavy and overburdening thoughts felt so weightless in my mind, so unimportant, so tiny compared to the mental anguish Jesus underwent that night in the Garden of Gethsemene. I truly praise the Lord for the wonderful blessing of peace he gave me! The Lord is good indeed. He will definitely help us, if only we would let Him. And if only we could all be Marys, sitting so obediently at His feet without letting the cares of the world touch her.

It's back to work for me. Lunch hour's over!

*kel

2006-02-12T15:58:00.000+08:00

Hey,COOL blog ya... The JK gang simply rawks !!! well.. i m Jerry, luckily n unfortunately the youngest one..basicalli the JK gang is erm.. how do i put it.. well.. all i can sae is a vry new fellowship n friendship.. still young but will grow n mature overtime.. indeed as kelly said. this blog is fer us to pen down our daily feelings n probs if there is.. overall.. i strongly believe that this friendship will indeed become closer by god's grace.. since GOD brought us together.. he will see us through together.. that's wat i believe.. anyway.. that's all frm me fer now.. nxt time i make noise is gonna be my reflections etc. rawk on JK gang!!!=)

Blessings!

2006-02-11T15:08:00.000+08:00

Hello!Was reading through this today, in my school library and it strike me, how many stupid times we think the word, "I" and not "WE". How many times, we do things for "ME" and not "US". Attached below is the story of the many blessings that God has generously bestow upon us, and sometimes, we get too caught up in life that we overlook them.

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college.For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom,and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchasedthe car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into hisprivate study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son,and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box.Curious, and somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely,leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.Angry, he rose his voice to his father and said "With all your money, you give me a Bible?"and stormed out of the house.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business.He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old,and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his fatherhad passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, a sudden feeling of sadness and regretfilled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papersand saw the still gift-wrapped Bible, just as he had left it years ago.

With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages.His father had carefully underlined a verse;Matt.7:11, "And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give to those who ask Him?"

As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible.It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired.On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because we can't see past our own desires?

- julie.

2006-02-10T13:52:00.000+08:00

Today, I am here to give testament to the wonders He has worked in my life! And to speak of the complete joy I feel whenever He says something to me to let me know that He is there for me when I'm down. I didn't think that I would ever hear God speaking to me personally, but in the last weeks or so, I've been proved wrong many times and I praise God for that! For once, I don't mind being wrong! Haha. But it's true! He has proved me wrong time and time again, reaffirming my belief that Jesus is truly present in our lives, truly involved in the tiniest aspects of our day to day existence.

Two nights ago, when I was feeling extremely down, I was doing my daily reflection, reading day's little passage from Word Among Us. And when I was done with the day's reading, I decided to flip through the front articles. One particular article caught my eye so I read the entire thing. And what I read really made me see once again for myself how He speaks to each one of us, how he knows what we need. The quote that jumped out at me was from 1 Corinthians 10:13:

But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.

How comforted I felt upon reading it! It reminded me of Jesus's own 40-day trial in the desert in Matthew 4, when Jesus Himself was tested by the devil. And God did provide his Son with the strength to endure the devil's temptations, and eventually with a way out as the angels came to help him.What God's promise essentially means for us is that all our trials, all the troubles and obstacles we face in our lives - they can cause immense pain in the immediate run, but the Lord provides a way out in the end and heals our hurts, if only we allow Him to. At last year's YES camp, when Uncle B said during the praying over session something about letting something go cos it's getting stale, I realised that it could very well apply to me too. Cos at that point in time, I still hadn't completely let go of the hurt from the whole fiasco last year concerning some guy. I was still extremely bitter and bearing a grudge towards him, even though I didn't realise it. I'm sure the letting go bit could have applied to about half of the people in the room too, but what was important to me was that letting go of the past was pertinent to myself, necessary to move on in my life. And after the three days of retreat, I felt a lot lighter, emotionally. I wouldn't go so far as to say that my emotional baggage was completely left behind at the retreat, but it would seem that the 3 days spent in such close touch with Him facilitated my healing process. Of course, I'm not totally without my other troubles now. But that long-standing hurt has been healed, and God really did give me the strength to endure it. Even though at that point in time, I often felt so terrible that I would skip school on some days to just stay home and sleep under the covers so I wouldn't have to face the world. But looking back, I believe I am now a stronger person. See, God really did provide me with a way out. With added strength given to me to boot! :)

Anyway, I should be heading to bed soon cos I gotta get up early to go to work tomorrow.And while I'm in the office tomorrow, I will remember to take some time in-between work to talk to God, if only to build up my personal relationship with Him.I've really been wanting to become closer to Him, especially when I see my friends who share intimate relationships with God who seem to radiate so much joy and love. I really want to experience that too. So instead of just sitting on my bum thinking that I want to become closer to Jesus without actually doing anything, I decided that I have to do something on my part, and talking to Him and making Him a part of my daily life would be a good way to start.

Amen? AMEN! :)

*kel

2006-02-06T05:03:00.000+08:00

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.

Overall this week was marvelous, it was simply overwhelming for me.My simple dull life has now become like the 'london eye' for the past few months, since last december. Why 'london eye' ? simply because when you are at the top of the ferris wheel, you see the amazing landscape of London infront of you. So I liken to it because it was as though I was at the top, looking down and marvelling at every event that happened . Even the smallest thing.

I feel terribly blessed and loved. Loved and blessed by our ALMIGHTY LOVING GOD! In the 16 years of life, I never had friends who were always in touch with me and constantly checking on me. But now, I definitely do. God has definitely blessed me with amazing friends who never fails to contact me or check on me. The chilling out, dining , swimming and even late night conference with buddies. (:

Yes, there were off days, but what simply brought me through this week was the chorus of ' I Will Sing'. It goes like this, "I will sing, I will praise, even in my darkest hour , through the sorrow and the pain"

Anyway, today was equally marvelous. Had a fund-raising event this evening, and it was truly refreshing, the praises we lift, and serving him and even the stroll with kel. (:Now, the essence of life is seen.

Praise you Lord, for all the things that you've done for us.
" How great is our God, Sing with me How great is our God and all will see how great is our God."

- julie

hellos and how-do-you-dos.

2006-02-05T16:15:00.000+08:00

hello world!
we, the Just Kidding gang - Joel, Julianna, Jerry and Kelly - have decided to go public with this blog. and they've left me to do the honours of introducing us all. well firstly, we're from the oh-so-wonderful parish of Immaculate Heart of Mary! :)
some of us actually come from near and quite far just cos it's so wonderful. hah.
and nextly (is there such a word?), we're from the oh-so-wonderful-too Zion's Joy! most of us in ZJ are involved in using music to bring others to God and God to others. i say most cos there're some of us (ahem) who do all sorts of other things other than music!
and...
oh yes, i am Kelly, the Kidding.
which brings me to why we're the Just Kidding people.
it all started when Joel, Julianna and Jerry were standing together during one of the youth rally meetings.
ohhh i'm lousy at this! i can't really remember what exactly transpired, but i remember myself marching up to them to ask 'what about me?' in my usual whiny voice when they said they were the 3Js.
then Joel said that we could be the JK gang.
then someone realised that JK's like, short form for just kidding.
and thus, the Just Kidding people were born!
yes.

so we decided to start a blog to chronicle our days together spent in friendship, in growth and in Jesus's wonderful love!
it was an idea hatched during one of our many conference calls and inspired by another blog by the rhinos..
this whole project is actually still in its infancy... but we're all quite excited about it.
because this blog is a perfect platform for sharing our day's happenings with each other and with our other friends.
for sharing how we have eached been touched by God in one way or another, in big ways or small.
for keeping in close touch with each other.
for spreading a little bit of the joy we have received in the form of blessings!
and this blog is perfect for people like me, who're more linguistically inclined and prefer to see my thoughts out in words rather than to verbalise them. :)

there's so much more i want to say, but i think i gotta wrap this up for now cos tomorrow's gonna be an extremely tiring day. filled with doing His work! for the upcoming rally on 11 March.
how important are my Just Kidding pals to me?
well.. Cheryl said something to me the other day that gave me one of those EUREKA!! moments.
we were just walking to one of our regular prata meals to Hup Seng when she said: "do you realise that the friends you make in church are those that you'll keep for life? cos friends from all other institutions come in and out of your life, usually for as long as you stay in your school or job or whatever. but you go to church throughout your life right?"
and it struck me there and then how right she was! that these are the friends that i'll have with me all my life!
and i truly feel that i've been richly blessed with these wonderful companions, who've been with me through my ups and downs, who show that they care simply by just being there and asking a simple "how was your day?".

if it's anything, sometimes i feel that God uses such friends to show us that He is with us, that He knows what we need to feel better, and i am indeed so so grateful for the small things in life like that which matter.

goodness, i've digressed! i meant to say BYE.
so. 'til the next time!

*kel