Pride and forgiveness

What seemed to have started out as a dreary, work-filled weekend has actually concluded on a more or less lighter note for me! Throughout the weekend, I've been grappling with the issues of PRIDE, and FORGIVENESS. You may be wondering like, huh? How come she's suddenly so random. Pride and forgiveness aren't exactly synonymous with each other. Patience my good friends! Bear with me as I get to my point. It's not exactly easy to word out my thoughts on this particular issue, simply because I'm still raw from the emotions involved.

Okay, let me start by admitting one of by biggest hidden weaknesses. It's so hidden that I barely recognise it in myself most of the time. It is Pride. Yeah, you may be thinking that that's no big deal, that everyone possesses a certain degree of pride in some form or the other. In fact, males are often seen to possess such pride in excessive quantities in the form of the tender Male Ego. Heh. But anyway, moving rapidly on. In what ways has this particular sin manifested itself in me? Oh, in many many small, subtle ways! Really, the Evil One has his sneaky ways of doing his works here on earth. He plants his small malicious seeds of sin in the hearts of us humans, deceiving us into thinking that there's nothing seriously wrong with doing/thinking something, simply because society claims it to be the norm. For me, I never really thought that pride was an issue with me because I didn't think that I looked down on people or thought I was exceptionally better than others. These are just some forms of the sin we all know as pride. But upon deeper reflection, I realised that my unwillingness to forgive IS a form of pride too.

Without elaborating too much, I basically had a lot of trouble truly forgiving some people for all the hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, that they had caused me. It has been difficult in the sense that although I tell myself that yes, I've forgiven him/her, deep within me still lies this resentment towards the person which I try to cover with layers and layers of... i don't know what. Heh. And upon further contemplation this weekend, I surmised that this deeply felt resentment is due to my pride. Simply put, I am unable to truly forgive because I am too proud to let the particular affliction to my pride just slide by me. My pride insists that I never forget what he/she has done to me and keeps dredging up the wounded feeling revisiting the particular incidents bring.

So on Friday night, after realising that my pride is my bondage and obstacle to true forgivness, I felt compelled to look up at the crucifix hanging on my bedroom wall. As I turned my eyes literally heavenward (cos my crucifix is hung quite high up), I was suddenly very aware of a huge feeling of overwhelming shame at my own pettiness. Because. As I was staring up at the cross, I remembered that Jesus so wholeheartedly and sincerely forgave those who had inflicted the ultimate physical pain of crucifixion and death onto Him with the words: "Forgive them, Father! They don't know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) It then struck me that if Jesus could forgive those who sentenced Him to die, why can't I find it in my selfish human heart to forgive those who have inflicted what I have perceived to be deep hurts to me? My 'hurts' are nothing compared to Jesus's suffering!

What totally convinced me that my inability to truly forgive was at the crux of my uneasiness of mind throughout the last week came in the form of constant reassurances from Him. On Friday night when I was just about to go to sleep, a tune came to my head and I started humming it out loud. After a while, the words of the song came to me, and I realised that it was Loving and Forgiving.

Loving and forgiving are you, Oh Lord.
Slow to anger, rich in kindness.
Loving and forgiving are You.

The Lord is slow to anger and rich in kindness. And so so so forgiving!

Then just today, when I was reading the Catholic News in the toilet, I came across this tiny article on page 16 about Singaporeans' favourite Christian songs, according to an online poll done. One of the songs on the list was He, which is by the way, my all time favourite song. I've loved it ever since I was a little girl going for mass on Sunday, even before I could truly comprehend the words. All I knew was that I loved it because the song comforted me greatly and made me feel safe. When I started to play hymns on the piano, this was among the first songs I learnt to play, and I used to play this song whenever I felt down and out.

So I started singing the song as I was in the shower, to remind myself of the comfort I used to derive simply from hearing the song. Having felt rather down and out the last few weeks.

He can turn the tide, and calm the angry sea.
He alone decides who writes a symphony.
He can take the stars, and make the darkness bright.
He keeps watch all through each long and loney night.
He still finds the time to hear a child's first prayer.
Saints or sinners call and always find Him there.
Though it makes Him sad to see the way we live

then the last line came out from my lips and it felt like stunned for a moment at the preciseness of it all.

He'll always say:
I forgive.



It was a bit like a splash of ice cold water on the face, a tight slap, if you'll have it. I felt that He was asking, that if in spite of all our sins, He will always say "I forgive", then why can't you say "I forgive" and actually mean it when someone has caused you pain? Hello, Jesus forgave those who KILLED Him!

Because it is getting late and I feel like I'm going round in circles, I shall end off here. But the bottomline is that by constantly reminding myself of Jesus's own example of selfless forgiveness, I believe I will someday be able to really walk in His footsteps and forgive those who I feel have hurt me with all my heart, with no more bitterness. Just His limitless love.


*kel