See You face to face.

Sitting at my desk in the office yesterday, going through the monotonous actions of typing in the data and folding the tax invoices, I was suddenly conscious of a huge wave of negativity welling up in my heart. I think it was cos I was thinking about all that had happened the past week. So much in such a small space of time! Relationships have gone topsy-turvy, my own physical self so tired out that I dozed off in the toilet TWO DAYS while at work and nearly fell into the toilet bowl (the squatting kind), hearing about certain people again. Aiyah, I could just go on complaining about how badly my week went.

But I shan't! Because that isn't the point of my post.

My point is that while I was feeling super low and overwhelmed with the sudden compulsion to cry and cry, this song suddenly popped into my head.


Say the word and I will sing for You
Over oceans deep I will follow
If each star was a song
And every breath of wind praise
It would still fail by far to say
All my heart contains
I simply live, I simply live for You.

As the glory of Your presence now fills this place
In worship we will see You face to face
There is nothing in this world to which You can be compared
Glory on glory, praise upon praise
You bind the broken-hearted
And save all my tears
And by Your Word You set the captives free
There is nothing in this world
That You cannot do
I simply live, I simply live for You.


And for a good long while, I couldn't think of the reason why this song kept playing itself over and over in my head. Then when I got back home and did a lyrics search for the song, I realised why! As you might have already noticed, I've bolded the bits that really struck me.

To understand the song's significance, I had to cast my mind back to the Kelly of 4 or 5 years ago. On that day, my 13 year old self was sitting in the prayer room in IJ, feeling as though my heart was breaking. You have to understand though, that what made me feel so utterly torn then probably wouldn't have the same effect on me now. I was crying my heart out over my Math results (heh) and feeling so so alone because EVERYONE in my class did really well for it. I can't remember what I got now, but all I know is I was absolutely terrified of what my dad would say. All I remember now is his constantly high expectations where my academic results were concerned, especially for Math and Science (cos he was good at those while at school). So anyway on that particular afternoon, I was sitting in the prayer room, not daring to go home but not knowing where else to go either. I tucked myself into a little corner behind a pillar and hugged my knees close to me, craving for some form of physical comfort from a friend. But as it was, it was quite late after school and no one was around. My mind began to wander, began to think of all the possible harsh words my father would yell at me. What I was most afraid of him saying was that I didn't try hard enough. Everytime he said those words you didn't try hard enough, I would burst into tears because those words hurt.

So as I sat in my corner curled up, I closed my eyes and just let my sadness wash over me. What happened next could have been purely a figment of my imagination, but I am convinced now that it wasn't. In the blackness of my closed eyes, I could see a very loving vision so clearly that my tears just flowed. No longer out of sadness, but out of joy. I saw Jesus with His arms outstretched to me. And I felt Him embrace me so tenderly that I didn't feel scared anymore. All I felt at that moment was a pure intense outpouring of love for me, and I was weeping with joy for it. I saw His beautiful loving face smiling as He took me by the hand, radiant with light and I don't know what else. That instant couldn't have lasted for more than a few minutes, but I felt like an enternity had passed. When the vision faded from my mind's eye and I opened my eyes again, my fear and sadness was completely completely gone and all that remained were the tears for having felt so unconditionally loved.

I know, the whole incident seems so surreal even as I relate it now. I remember telling my mother about my encounter with the Lord and I can still remember the tremor in her voice as she told me that I was extremely fortunate. She didn't disbelieve me at all. On the contrary, she seemed fully convinced of the authenticity of what I'd told her. And she kept asking me to retell what I'd told her. She wanted to know every detail.

It amazes and shames me to think that I could have forgotten this for all these years after that until on Monday, when I was overcome with that same hopelessness. He must have been trying to remind me of that moment in time 4 years ago.


*kel