It's been 2 days since I got back from the ZJ retreat.
You know, I think I was expecting to resolve a lot of my own issues during the retreat, anticipating the silence and all the quiet time we were promised. And after 3 days of retreating from the world, I didn't walk out of the doors any more settled than when I'd walked in - and I immediately thought the retreat hadn't worked for me.
But on hindsight, how shallow I was! How selfish I was too!
From the start, I'd gone to the retreat with the mindset of settling MY issues, of solving MY problems.
Where was God in all the things I'd wanted to get out of the retreat?
Nowhere.

Now 2 days after, I don't feel like a changed person or anything. Certainly not like Moses who went into the desert and had God speaking to him very obviously in the form of the burning bush. In fact, my immediate thought was that God hadn't spoken to me at all in the 2 and a half days spent in silence.
But maybe.. Maybe God just wanted to tell me to quit worrying and just leave everything to Him, as I had decided a few weekends ago. And I don't know if I have truly managed to cast all my burdens aside, but I can tell you with all honesty that right now at this very point in time, I am absolutely unperturbed by what was bothering me a few days ago. I know it's still there, the problem - since no resolution's been reached as of yet - but I'm not unduly upset or frustrated anymore. It's kinda like seeing a bee fly around your head, knowing that it's potentially dangerous and could sting you, but not feeling the tiniest bit afraid because I know I will not be stung cos the bee will leave me alone if I don't bother about it.

I don't think that's the perfect analogy to describe what I'm actually feeling, but it's the best I can think of now.

God works in mysterious ways. That has got to be one of the most overused phrases. But I really do believe He does. Say I pray very hard for something. I've realised that God usually doesn't fulfil my prayers in the way I would like Him to. In fact, God usually gives me what I ask for by doing what may SEEM to be the complete antithesis of what I'd prayed for - but is actually exactly what I want if I look carefully at it.

I may not have found God in the silence as I'd initially expected to.
But I've found God in this strange sense of peace and calm that I'm currently filled with.
I may not have found God in the beauty of nature as I'd initially thought I would. (Cos I've always loved nature, so I thought it would follow that I would find God in all He had created.) But I've found God in the mundaneness of my life - in all the things that may appear at first to be coincidences, like bringing certain people together for a particular reason or hearing especially significant things from certain people.

You know, I've been trying to smile a lot more these days because for one thing, smiling requires less energy than frowning does. God gave me a beautiful smile to express my joy and happiness. Smiling and laughing is really infectious. I've realised that sometimes, my friends actually laugh because I'm laughing so hard. And. You never know who might be falling in love with your smile at any one point in time. :)


*kelly.