"Why are you - a girl who has everything in the world - crying, as if you have nothing?"
A nun asked my best friend one sunny Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining high up in the sky, the clouds white and fluffy, the grass a brilliant lush emerald green - in other words, it was a beautiful day.

The events of the last few days have forced me to remember this question posed to my friend by the nun. Because today as I was sitting at the bus stop in the afternoon, waiting for 70 to come, I was really crying uncontrollably - practically sobbing as though I had lost everything in the world. I was trying so hard to control the tears but it all just came out after the Amazing Grace meeting. It was as though something in me had snapped and released the torrent of tears from my eyes, tears which had been threatening to flow out for a good few days but myself unable to cry.

It was then when I tasted the salty tears that couldn't stop coming that I remembered what the nun had asked - why are you, a girl who has everything in the world, crying as though you have nothing? Guilt washed over me because it struck me then how abudantly God has blessed me in the last few months - giving me university admission to the course of my choice, giving me a job so I can earn money, giving me the time spent with dear people - and I cried even harder. I think people in their cars passing by me would have thought I was a victim of a boyfriend's dumping or something, but I couldn't help myself. My guilt coupled with my frustration and anger completely overwhelmed me and any control I had over my tear ducts.

Frustration because just last night when I was praying in my bed before sleeping, I was telling God that I was gonna surrender my life to Him. Even though I knew that being such a headstrong creature I wouldn't always be able to accept lying down what He wants of me, I made a resolution last night to really make a conscious effort to try. Because I was so tired of trying to deal with the unsolvables in my life, of trying so hard to make something happen with my own human efforts only to see nothing come out of it. I don't know, maybe it was out of sheer desperation that drove me to just throw everything at His feet last night and cry out: "Lord, I surrender everything to You! I'm so weary and feel like I no longer can pull myself along this path I have chosen."

When I got up this morning, there was peace in my heart because I awoke this morning determined to leave everything to God and not worry or think about anything anymore. But when the morning progressed, frustration set in cos my parents were in an exceptionally foul mood this morning. What started as a small thing - me coming down late for breakfast and us leaving home 5 minutes late as a result - got blown out of proportion as my parents vented their frustration at being late for mass on me. I admit now that how I reacted then was probably very wrong. I let my pride and anger get the better of me and I began raising my voice in response to their raised voices at me, their voices eventually amplifying into shouts as the journey progressed. And I almost screamed back every answer I had to their accusations. I said some very wrong things, which culmulated in me storming out of the car at the church entrance with tears of anger streaming down my face and my sister and I sitting at the opposite end of church this morning at mass. I really didn't want to go for catechism this morning but I forced a smile on my face and dragged myself to class. After which I went to the adoration room to seek solace from the outside world with their curious eyes on me. Once again in my utter desperation, I cried out in my heart for God to take the horrid transgressions of the morning, to take them all and help me to get through the rest of the day.

I couldn't and still can't understand how the horridness of my morning could be part of God's plan for me, but I've given up trying to understand and just seek to accept it all as part of His greater plan for me. I'm completely spent from trying to understand WHY, and so I have no choice but to accept it. This may seem like I'm going mad, but on my way home when all the tears had dried, I whispered a silent word of thanks in my heart for all that has happened so far. I had found yet another thing to be thankful for - the sky was so dark and had been threatening to unleash its torrent of rain for the longest time ever when I was on 70, but the rain held up until I got home. Not a single drop of rain had fallen on me to add to my tears falling.


*kelly