hello my darlings!

it's a lovely Friday morning! i opened my eyes this morning to a slender beam of sunlight poking its way through the slit of my drawn curtains. and after staring up at the ceiling and blinking a few times, i realised that my eyes didn't hurt anymore. and when i saw myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth, i thanked God for making my eyes clear again, because when i'd gone to bed last night they were extremely swollen and red.

i've been feeling mighty uneasy of late. because it seems like a lot of what i want to do with my life in the near future is what i want to do and not what God wants me to do.
like even though i'm convinced i want to stay in hall in uni - that decision hasn't been sitting well with me at all. partially because my reasons for wanting to seem to be so wrong.
i WANT to stay because i want to get away from home and all associated with life now. but i know that that's just a false semblence of running away to what may seem like greener pastures at first sight.
i WANT to run away because it's tiring having to keep up a facade with everyone and i just want to drop all pretences for a while.
i WANT to drop my act because i don't feel good lying about things anymore. i'm starting to appear like 2 different people and it's scaring the crap out of me because i'm starting to think i'm potentially turning mildly schizophrenic. a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, except that i'm not so extreme.
i don't want to keep worrying people who care about me and therefore i need to jolt myself out of this state. the last time i managed to forget, i did by running far far away.
but what does God want of me? seriously, i know very well all my wants and desires.. but i also WANT to know.. what does He want?

i was reading the Bible this morning and i chanced upon this which struck me so deeply.


Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses.

He sets the time for birth and the time for death,
the time for planting and the time for pulling up,
the time for killing and the time for healing,
the time for tearing down and the time for building.
He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy,
the time for mourning and the time for dancing,
the time for making love and the time for not making love,
the time for kissing and the time for not kissing.
He sets the time for finding and the time for losing,
the time for saving and the time for throwing away,
the time for tearing and the time for mending,
the time for silence and the time for talk.
H esets the time for love and the time for hate,
the time for war and the time for peace.

What do we gain from all our work? I know the heavy burdens that God has laid on us. He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does... Whatever happens or can happen has already happened before. God makes the same thing happen again and again.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15


Amen to that, man!

my unease is starting to turn into resent and it's very dangerous i realise. how can i be resentful that God has called me to do His work? i should be so so glad that He has chosen me. but nonetheless, resent is starting to brew inside of me and i'm glad i recognise it in me so i can do something - anything - about it. like turning to God in prayer frequently out of sheer discipline now, for example. i can no longer feel His presence, but i know of its truth because of past tangible experiences of it, and i hope that will be enough to sustain me through this time.


*kelly.