The hollowing out process has been a lot more painful than I'd imagined it would be.
Very ugly truths about myself have been surfacing at an alarming pace - leaving me feeling absolutely horrified at myself and terribly drained out.
I know this whole process of dredging up what's less than Godly in myself and making myself acknowledge their existence is completely necessary if I am to be remoulded into what He wants.
But recently, I've been grappling with the possibility that I may not even want to be remoulded and reshaped into something more beautiful, that He has had planned for me.

To use the analogy of sweeping dust under the carpet.. I think I've been constantly sweeping all the dust under the carpet, so much so that my carpet is so full of dust - it's one foot off the ground, balancing on all that dust. And yet, I refuse to lift the carpet up to sweep out all the dust. I keep sweeping more dust there, and cockroaches and lizards are beginning to lay eggs there already.
So what do I do from here?
I'm not making time for QT with God because I don't want to hear what He has to say.
Which I'm realizing is an extremely stupid thing to be doing.
My own human pride and ego has just been overwhelmingly loud these last few weeks.
I'm so comfortable coughing in my own sea of dust that I don't want God to help me sweep out all the dust anymore. I don't want to stop coughing, I don't want to be healed though I'm not well.
WHICH, NOW THAT I'VE REALISED. IS VERY SILLY.

I know exactly why I've been filling all my days to the brim with back-to-back activities.
It's not really to quash out the emptiness, cos that isn't exactly the word to describe my current state now.
It's more of an excuse so I won't have to listen to God talking to me. Because I didn't want to hear what He has to say. I'm so afraid of what I'll hear.
Daniel said something yesterday about how people busy themselves to fill up the emptiness in their lives; it's curing the symptom but not the actual illness.
After mulling over that last night, I know what I have to do even though I may want so badly to just run away.
Thinking about it, hall may have even been a perfect escape route for me. Because if I'm not physically around, it's a lot less difficult.
But is that really the right thing to do?
I'm treating the symptoms but leaving the root untouched, decaying and rotten.

I'm not going to pretend that I've suddenly been empowered to do the necessary things after this post. I've gone past that stage of pretending.
But I've finally verbalised my thoughts and acknowledged to the world that I am running away, which is a step.
Baby step, perhaps. But I'm getting there slowly.


*kelly.