it's been suchhhhhh a long time since i've blogged here. haven't been struck by anything until now, and to be honest, i've been a more than a little dry spiritually ever since school started and my life took a turn for the busy.

ironic isn't it, how i'm finally sitting down to blog here when i'm sick and unable to go to tutorial. haha. i think God allowed me to fall ill so i'll finally take a breather from my hectic life, so that i can take a step back from all i've been doing lately and just reflect on it all slowly in bed without having to rush from one class to another.

i haven't made some huge discovery of the century or anything. it isn't even the hugest discovery of my life. but it's a tiny revelation that helped explain to myself some things that have happened, some things i've been doing.

i've always thought myself to be self-sufficient. an independent girl, if you'd like. not in the material sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. i'd always motivated myself, never needed much company and could entertain myself pretty well. i didn't like it when people who loved me expressed their concern over something i was or was not doing, cos i had and still have this 'why should you bother about my life?' attitude. i never thought i'd need any much more love in life cos i thought i had all the love i'd possibly want or need. my family loved me, the friends who mattered loved me too - and that was all i thought i'd need.

but i was wrong. deep down inside, i craved a lot more love than i was receiving. i think it's human nature to want to be loved, it's innate in each one of us. i never wanted to think about it cos i thought it was a weakness to express this need to others. i'd always scorned those girls who wanted or needed a boyfriend by their side to keep them company; i'd always thought to myself: i'll never be as weak as them to fall in love with someone else. i think God's laughing at me now though, cos what i thought i'd never need or want has become something i do need and want. i do need love, i want to be loved. so maybe i'm weak, but i've always been, i just never wanted to reveal my vulnerability even though it was always there.

upon further reflection, i think that even though it is a human want to love and be loved in return, this desire for love ultimately reflects my innermost desire to experience the perfect love of God, that only He can give. human love is transient, God's love is eternal. human love is fickle, God's love is steadfast and endures. human love is tempered by lust, God's love is pure. human love is painful sometimes, God's love heals. but i won't be idealistic and say that i'm able to forgo the love that people can offer and seek only God's love for me, because i know in all honesty that i'm not ready for that now. but i do know that i want to fall in love with God so fully one day and be enraptured by His love for me - one day.

i was in Chelsa's room earlier this week and i chanced upon this song. and i think it's really apt to describe my particular state of mind now. i didn't know how apt it'd be then, i just copied out the lyrics and stuck it on my notice board cos something just made me do it. i think i know what it was that made me do it now:

God wanted me to look at the words everyday when i sit at my table to do my work so that it will strike me one day that really really, God's love is all i need in the world.
that i'll know it with my heart one day, and not just with my head.


*****


Take Me Deeper

There is a longing
Only You can fill
A raging tempest
Only You can still
My soul is thirsting, Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before Your throne

Take me deeper,
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper,
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise
I can see Your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Take me deeper,
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper,
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love.

*kelly.