surprise me please!

hello!

this blog has been dead for 3 months. but not anymore! i'm back - wiser, more loving, and yet not any less foolhardy than i was, i think.

since the last time i've posted here, i've been journeying with my dear Lord quite a fair bit. i won't say i've grown, but i've definitely deepened my relationship with him, and this deepening of my walk with God has been almost exponential. every night before i sleep now, i always always tell God: thank you, God, for letting me walk with you up till now. thank you, God, for everything you've given me in my life.

i think it's a mark of how far along i've journeyed in my faith cos now i always manage to thank God wholeheartedly and sincerely for every single thing in my life. even the bad things, even the trials, even the times when i'm sad - i never fail to praise and thank God for every little happening. sometimes, it becomes mundane, thinking about all the things that've happened throughout my day and listing everything out in my head, thanking God for each one of them. but then, i think the whole process of turning inward and looking back on every little moment in my life in the day helps a lot. it makes me a lot more introspective, it makes me more aware of what i do, say, think or feel and more aware of me, basically. and as i recall moments that've passed in the day, i either smile or cry at the memory and then thank God for it, cos it means i've lived through another day, with every possibility of facing a brand new day.

and every night when i pray, i pray that God will surprise me in whatever i do. surprise me with his blessings, surprise me with his love, anything. i know God has so much in store for me and everyone of us, it's up to me to want to receive everything he has for me. it's like the gifts are already there in front of me, i'll only get to enjoy the gifts for what they are when i stretch out my hands to want to get them. it's the desire that's so important. and that desire essentially stems from my disposition. if i'm in the disposition to want to seek God with all my heart, the desire will naturally follow.

as i struggle through each day and i make it through each day, battered, tired, and bruised, sometimes all i wanna do is give up. it's a constant struggle to keep wanting to do the Godly thing, to keep wanting to do the loving thing, to keep wanting to be good. it's as hard to do all these per se as it is to want to do these. see the difference? the difference is in the attitude behind our actions. i could think of a million other things to do that would make me very happy in the worldly sense, temporarily. i could scream expletives for release, i could turn my heel and just walk away from everything, i could give in to my human desires and just enjoy people's company without worrying about anything. so many things i could do - and yet i don't do any of them, because i don't want to. it's in the disposition, as i said. i could do all these, and i could do all these wanting to do them.

do i make sense?

in a certain way, i think this is how God is moulding me in my life to become who he meant me to be. the fieriness of character, the temper that would blow at the snap of a finger, the tongue that would lash out even when it's completely uncalled for, the quick and sometimes merciless judgement passed when i feel wronged, the poison i could drip from just a mere look, the coldness of my entire being when i force myself not to care anymore - all these are being tempered in me gradually. no, not erased or wiped clean, tempered. God uses these traits in me to do his work. it's like fire, it can be used for good things, or it can be used to do harm. it brings life in the heat it provides, it keeps us alive because it cooks food and kills the germs that would do our digestive systems harm. and yet, fire kills so indiscriminately too. fires that burn down entire houses, fires that burn the skin off people and melt their innards, fire that consumes everything. see what i mean? character traits in all of us can be used to do good and bad. often when we use them for our own means, we often end up using them to do not so nice things. but when we offer up our characteristics as people to God, he can use them to do marvellous things. just sit back and be surprised by what he shows you.


*kel