The last week for me has been surprisingly good. I've been finding the time to do my QT and reflection almost every night. And I realise that building up a relationship with Him is really a personal choice that each one of us has to make. A close relationship with anybody doesn't just happen like that. Time and effort is needed to cultivate the intimacy. Similarly, a relationship with our Father doesn't just become a certain way overnight. I think personally for me, I can say with conviction now that I do have a relationship with God. It's coming slowly but surely with all the time I put aside each day especially for Him. Reading my bible before I go to sleep, ending my day with a prayer, deep in conversation with Him, beginning my day with a quick word of thanks that I'm alive another day. Even just talking to my dear Lord Jesus in my heart everyday when I'm at work in the office, doing my filing or typing, knowing that He is listening to every complaint I have.

I do have to say though, that sometimes I have to rely on blind, child-like faith to pull me through the days when it seems like He's not there. It's like, I just know deep inside me that He hasn't abandoned me EVEN THOUGH it seems like it. It goes beyond rational thought, our religion. And the bottomline is, what íf you think too much about the Hows and Whys of our entire religion and relationship with Him, skepticism may start to sink in. That's where faith steps in. That may be why the really brilliant scientists in our world both in the past and present were and are atheists. I'm far from being a brilliant thinker myself but my mind does tend to have curious tendencies, and as such, I used to question many aspects of our Catholic faith. I asked my dad how he knew that Jesus really died for us 2000 years ago. I asked my mom why the martyred saints allowed themselves to be killed when there was an alternative to life. Even quite recently in one of the bible classes on Thursday, I asked Cyril (the facilitator) why God had demanded animal sacrifices when the practice in itself is so cruel. Nevertheless, I've stopped wondering if God is real because I just BELIEVE He is, and that's enough for me now. (I used to wonder about that cos I'd never seen God, and neither had my parents or anyone I knew.)

Oops sorry, I seem to have really digressed. Where was I? Oh yes, relationships.

I honestly fully believe that God hasn't left me alone in this world to struggle through life without the necessary help. He gave me a wonderful community in ZJ - which very importantly, didn't give up on me, even when I pulled several irresponsible disappearing acts with no notice. I think that I did take my church community for granted too often in the past, which I feel now was really terrible of me. I only went for their sessions during the holidays and then made no conscious effort to continue going for the weekly meetings once school term began. Looking back now, I realise that I was being exceedingly childish, not at all mature as I had perceived myself to be then. Heh. It seems like I've got a lot of growing up to do still. Reality bites!

He also gave me this closer group of friends that we've named the little rocks, and it was only when we started this blog that I really began reflecting deeper about my faith and more importantly, actively pursuing that relationship with Him. I began setting aside more and more time each week, each day, to spend exclusively with Him. It was also with this group, with my fellow rocks, that I began opening up and sharing with others about what my God means to me. Before this, it was all input and no output. But now, there's a bit of both.

And. Last but not least, He gave me my inner circle of family and friends to journey with me. One friend I must mention in particular is Trina, whose presence in my life these days have become increasingly important. The most remarkable thing that He has done so far is to give the both of us almost exactly the same set of circumstances, the same emotions running through us and wrecking us inside - all so that she can understand exactly what I'm going through and vice versa. It's amazing, how our lives have been almost parallel ever since this year began. Things that I never imagined she would understand having never gone through the same thing before - she does too now. And what struck me was the preciseness of both our parallel lives, how the same thing seemed to happen to us at around the same time. It's almost as if God is showing me: Look here, I can't be down here with you sharing in your pain, but I give you your best friend, who will know exactly how you feel, because I will give her the same set of situations to grapple with.

When I was talking to her the other day, sharing with her about what was making me so eaten up inside, she totally surprised me when she said that she knew exactly what I was going through.. because she felt the same way too. Then she proceeded to tell me about what was going on in her life, and the similarities that unfolded left me in awe at His preciseness. Coincidence? I don't think so. That night, we spoke til very late, about how we both felt that He planned this especially so we wouldn't feel so alone in our struggles, about how different we both are but so inherently similar that it's like looking at 2 sides of the same coin sometimes, about how we both knew that He has plans for us in the future... so many things that we talked about. And I went to bed that night (morning? heh) feeling extremely comforted. Who needs a guy when I have my God-given girlfriend with me! Hah!

I've still got a gazillion things to learn about Him, to learn about my walk with Him, but I'm reallyreallyreally glad for all the friends and people He has planted around me to guide me on my Calvary here on earth. You all know who you are - my darling rocks, my dear rhinos, all my wonderful people in ZJ, my lovely pals, my sweet little sister, my loving family, my OTHER sister Tri and so many others! For all of you I've mentioned and all others I may have unintentionally missed out: I love you all tonnes and I know now that I would not be the person you see today if He hadn't put you all in my life.


*kel