because i love them so.

i must admit, my past few days have been far from a happy joy-ride in God's spirit. while i am closer to my God than i have ever been before, life still hasn't suddenly become a bed of roses for me. and we all know it will never be like this. hardships will never disappear, pain will never cease to exist, issues will not solve themselves overnight.

within the span of the last few days, i completely fell apart for the first time in a long time. actually, it's more like within the span of a day. but well, the time period isn't important here. bottomline is, i hadn't so completely lost it till then, and it was and is a terribly scary time for me.

today passed by in a haze for me. i got lost coming back from CSC adoration room cos i took a couple of wrong turnings. and before i knew it, i realised i had no idea where i was. i wanted to go for Mass terribly, but i couldn't bring myself to go. and i missed God badly. i wanted to see him so badly. hence, decided to go for adoration. oh dear my thoughts are still all over the place. i'm still not all together yet, i think it's gonna take some time.

why am i sharing all these here?

because i want people to know that the walk with God is not gonna be easy. not at all. and even when we're doing what we think he wants us to do, we're liable to fall apart still. God's not some magic glue or insurance that has like, guarantees that you'll be oh-so-fine and happy all the time, 100% or your money back. we're people with so many vulnerabilities, too many vulnerabilities. we're liable and entitled to lose our way once in a while. it's not wrong to cry, it's not wrong to be weak, it's not wrong to admit that you're not okay. it's perfectly fine.

i'm not okay. i'm crying. i'm weak. i don't despise me. i know i'm gonna be fine. not now, not tomorrow even, maybe. i don't know when, but i know with quiet certainty.

asking God to take it all away so that you don't have to hurt anymore and hearing that no, it's not time yet - is possibly one of the hardest things in the world to hear. asking God if it's what he wants of me to leave it all behind to make my own life easier and hearing that no, you have to stay where you are for now and just trust in my grace is also possibly one of the hardest things in life to hear. asking God why the heck he's allowing me to be put through all this pain and hearing that you were born specifically to learn how to love and love in that way when you realise how it is is possibly one of the most humbling things to hear. asking God why won't he take what i feel away so i won't hurt so much anymore and hearing that you love because i loved you first is one of the most difficult things to listen to when you feel so tired as it is already.

but through this all, God wants us to realise how much he loves each and every one of us. God wanted me to realise how much he loved me. how completely, how unconditionally, how irrationally, especially. as Brother Michael Broughton so nicely put it, i'm a bastard. i don't deserve God's love at all. not one bit. i'm a fool for not realising how much he loves me, and he loves me even when i don't want him to. i don't deserve any of God's love. and yet, he loves me! as i said, irrationally.

for me now, i'm learning that. learnt that. both.

when you love someone who doesn't deserve any of it, you learn to love as God does. as much as it is a beautiful and encouraging thing to know, it is also an extremely painful thing to know. it makes zero sense to the brain. it defies logic. it makes me frustrated with me, terribly.

but at the end of the day, when i'm challenged why, i know it's because God loved me first. it's as simple as that, really. God loved me this way first because he wants me to love this way too. when someone hurts you, subconsciously or otherwise, when someone rejects you not once, not twice, but countless times - the kneejerk reaction would be anger for the slight on your pride, then retaliation to get back at the person, or perhaps it could be a complete cold shoulder because you're just so tired of it. but when you love someone the way God means us to, it becomes so different. the person's reaction doesn't matter, the person's actions don't change anything. you love the person for everything he is, and it doesn't matter if he loves you too or otherwise. it really really doesn't. that's love through the world's eyes. it's only love if it's two-way. it's not wrong, don't get me wrong. it's beautiful when there are two people who really love each other. but it becomes tainted with the possibility that you're only loving the person cos the person loves you too, it's so easy to love when there's reciprocation or receptivity.

challenge yourself to love someone who doesn't do these - who doesn't reciprocate, who doesn't love you too, who hurts you over and over again, who may not care about you the way you want he/she to care for you, who you know with every cell in your brain does NOT deserve your love at all.

i promise you, you'll never see God's love in the same light again. God's love is exactly like that, and when you appreciate the tremendous effort and pain you experience while you're doing it, you'll appreciate the magnitude of God's love for each and every one of us. for me.

i understand that this is what i have to go through to realise how much God loves me. to know with both heart and head how much i'm loved by God. because i'm fundamentally a logical person. i was born and brought up to use my brains to reason things out. and because i know God loves me so much, i choose to love that person in the same way - because i love God.

tell me i'm wrong and i'll sock you. i've never been so sure about something in my entire life before, never believed in something so wholeheartedly before. it's heartbreaking that my conviction had to come at such cost, at such pain and hurt to so many people, to me. and yet, it's also heartbreaking that my salvation had to come at such cost - Jesus's death on the cross.

God loves me and so i choose to love the same way.

it's a choice i have to remake almost every moment of my life, it's a choice i made at the cost of my own well-being. i'm broken, i admit it. i'm all over the place and in a million pieces, and i'm still gathering the pieces.

but everything i'm experiencing was affirmed by Brother Michael's session last Sunday - when you learn to love someone, you learn to live for someone else other than yourself. you put the other person's well-being and comfort before your own, all the time. it's dying to yourself actually, cos it's a fundamental human instinct to strive for our own well-being first.

the tears that keep welling up in my eyes are a reminder of my human frailty. the anger in that instant was a reminder of my human pride. the underlying love i feel in spite of everything, in spite of the hurt and irrationality of it all - is a reminder of God's love for me.

On My Cross
by FFH

how wide is your love
that you would stretch your arms
and go around the world
and why for me would a Saviour's cry be heard?

i don't know why you went where i was meant to go.
i don't know why you love me so.

those were my nails
that was my crown
that pierced your hands and your brow
those were my thorns
those were my scorns
those were my tears that fell down
and just as you said it would be
you did it all for me
after you counted the cost
you took my shame,
my blame -

on my cross.

how deep is your grace
that you could see my need
and choose to take my place
and then for me, these words i'd hear you say:
"Father, no,
forgive them, for they know not what they do
i will go,
-because i love them so."

*kel