God: the want to end all wants

i was reflecting on my shopping habits today, and something struck me.

i never run out of things that i want. i never run out of tops that i want, new skirts that i see and then want, earrings, jeans, sweaters, everything. everytime i go shopping, there's something new i want almost immediately after picking up the things i'd wanted previously.

i'm never satisfied.

take my soci test, for example. after the test, i knew i didn't do so good, and i knew that it was one of those papers i'd be lucky to get a B for. but when i got my paper back yesterday and saw a B+ scribbled at the bottom margin, my heart just sank and disappointment flashed through me. the plus wasn't significant, the fact that i got the B i knew i'd be lucky to get didn't mean anything to me - at that point in time, i just felt disappointed that it wasn't an A. there and then, i'd wanted an A. nevermind the fact that the B was something i'd wanted before i got the test back, the moment i got the paper back and i managed to secure the B+, i began to wish it were an A.

wanting isn't wrong in itself. it's excessive wants that could cause slightly more trouble. when you keep wanting something new the moment you've fulfilled a previous need or want, you become greedy. some people label such people as driven. i think that at the end of the day, such people end up sad and empty.

all the material wants and success we crave come about because there's a gap in our lives that need to be filled, and we don't realise it. we don't realise why we feel so empty, we don't realise that the gap is too deep to be filled by the continuous fulfilling of wants, one after the other. we fail to realise that the achievement of the want isn't the end, it just brings about another want that we immediately seek to get, precisely because there's a deeper gap in our lives that all the fulfilling of material wants could never fill.

shopping for pretty things does put me in a good mood. i'll admit it. i like my shopping, i like my food, i like my good grades. i used to be a strong advocate of retail-therapy because i thought i always felt better after a good shopping trip. but what i just realised is that while i felt satisfaction at the moment i managed to get a good buy and satisfaction yet again when i come home and assess my wares for the day - the satisfaction doesn't last through the night. when i get up the next morning, the exhiliration of the previous day dissipates and i just want to shop again. same with food. i'm a foodie. i enjoy my food. eating good food makes me happy when i'm eating, especially crabs. when i'm eating crabs, i usually feel so good that i feel like i'm in heaven on earth. but the ecstatic experience ends when the crab ends, when i finish up my last crab claw. when i go to bed at night, i just feel full from the meal and the happiness no longer lingers. and when i get up the next morning, i just feel like shitting and eating again.

why don't i want the one want that will end all wants? the want to end all wants - God. when i'm fulfilled in God, when i fulfill that want and i find God, there will no longer be that crazy emptiness that comes with the non-stop fulfilling of a million and one material wants.

i'm tired of wanting continually. of always wanting more when i've gotten something i'd previously wanted. i think a lot of people are - that's why they get so caught up with fulfilling want after want after want in a supremely vicious cycle. but they don't see that fulfilling X number of material wants or success wants will never fill up the gap in their lives. never. X is infinity, there's no fixed answer. it's not like X = 1000 or anything like that. it's more like X = X+1.

good luck to you to figuring out that equation. i never got it while i was doing math in secondary school.

so today, i resolve to make God my want in my life right now. i can see the gap in my life, i know that filling it with any number of pretty tops or skirts ain't ever gonna make me completely satisfied. there'll always be a newer, prettier top that i want to buy.

i know that filling the gap in my life with any number of As for my modules isn't gonna help either. there'll always be that A+ i could've gotten for that module, even though both A and A+ carries a 5.0 weightage for cap computation. which essentially makes getting that A+ redundant, because it won't make a difference to my cap score. it's just something that i can get, something that i can want to get.

but i also know that filling up the gap in my life with God is the only thing that won't lead to wanting more. there isn't a God+ or prettier, newer God to get. God is God, he is more than enough for me.



*kel