God: the want to end all wants

i was reflecting on my shopping habits today, and something struck me.

i never run out of things that i want. i never run out of tops that i want, new skirts that i see and then want, earrings, jeans, sweaters, everything. everytime i go shopping, there's something new i want almost immediately after picking up the things i'd wanted previously.

i'm never satisfied.

take my soci test, for example. after the test, i knew i didn't do so good, and i knew that it was one of those papers i'd be lucky to get a B for. but when i got my paper back yesterday and saw a B+ scribbled at the bottom margin, my heart just sank and disappointment flashed through me. the plus wasn't significant, the fact that i got the B i knew i'd be lucky to get didn't mean anything to me - at that point in time, i just felt disappointed that it wasn't an A. there and then, i'd wanted an A. nevermind the fact that the B was something i'd wanted before i got the test back, the moment i got the paper back and i managed to secure the B+, i began to wish it were an A.

wanting isn't wrong in itself. it's excessive wants that could cause slightly more trouble. when you keep wanting something new the moment you've fulfilled a previous need or want, you become greedy. some people label such people as driven. i think that at the end of the day, such people end up sad and empty.

all the material wants and success we crave come about because there's a gap in our lives that need to be filled, and we don't realise it. we don't realise why we feel so empty, we don't realise that the gap is too deep to be filled by the continuous fulfilling of wants, one after the other. we fail to realise that the achievement of the want isn't the end, it just brings about another want that we immediately seek to get, precisely because there's a deeper gap in our lives that all the fulfilling of material wants could never fill.

shopping for pretty things does put me in a good mood. i'll admit it. i like my shopping, i like my food, i like my good grades. i used to be a strong advocate of retail-therapy because i thought i always felt better after a good shopping trip. but what i just realised is that while i felt satisfaction at the moment i managed to get a good buy and satisfaction yet again when i come home and assess my wares for the day - the satisfaction doesn't last through the night. when i get up the next morning, the exhiliration of the previous day dissipates and i just want to shop again. same with food. i'm a foodie. i enjoy my food. eating good food makes me happy when i'm eating, especially crabs. when i'm eating crabs, i usually feel so good that i feel like i'm in heaven on earth. but the ecstatic experience ends when the crab ends, when i finish up my last crab claw. when i go to bed at night, i just feel full from the meal and the happiness no longer lingers. and when i get up the next morning, i just feel like shitting and eating again.

why don't i want the one want that will end all wants? the want to end all wants - God. when i'm fulfilled in God, when i fulfill that want and i find God, there will no longer be that crazy emptiness that comes with the non-stop fulfilling of a million and one material wants.

i'm tired of wanting continually. of always wanting more when i've gotten something i'd previously wanted. i think a lot of people are - that's why they get so caught up with fulfilling want after want after want in a supremely vicious cycle. but they don't see that fulfilling X number of material wants or success wants will never fill up the gap in their lives. never. X is infinity, there's no fixed answer. it's not like X = 1000 or anything like that. it's more like X = X+1.

good luck to you to figuring out that equation. i never got it while i was doing math in secondary school.

so today, i resolve to make God my want in my life right now. i can see the gap in my life, i know that filling it with any number of pretty tops or skirts ain't ever gonna make me completely satisfied. there'll always be a newer, prettier top that i want to buy.

i know that filling the gap in my life with any number of As for my modules isn't gonna help either. there'll always be that A+ i could've gotten for that module, even though both A and A+ carries a 5.0 weightage for cap computation. which essentially makes getting that A+ redundant, because it won't make a difference to my cap score. it's just something that i can get, something that i can want to get.

but i also know that filling up the gap in my life with God is the only thing that won't lead to wanting more. there isn't a God+ or prettier, newer God to get. God is God, he is more than enough for me.



*kel

because i love them so.

i must admit, my past few days have been far from a happy joy-ride in God's spirit. while i am closer to my God than i have ever been before, life still hasn't suddenly become a bed of roses for me. and we all know it will never be like this. hardships will never disappear, pain will never cease to exist, issues will not solve themselves overnight.

within the span of the last few days, i completely fell apart for the first time in a long time. actually, it's more like within the span of a day. but well, the time period isn't important here. bottomline is, i hadn't so completely lost it till then, and it was and is a terribly scary time for me.

today passed by in a haze for me. i got lost coming back from CSC adoration room cos i took a couple of wrong turnings. and before i knew it, i realised i had no idea where i was. i wanted to go for Mass terribly, but i couldn't bring myself to go. and i missed God badly. i wanted to see him so badly. hence, decided to go for adoration. oh dear my thoughts are still all over the place. i'm still not all together yet, i think it's gonna take some time.

why am i sharing all these here?

because i want people to know that the walk with God is not gonna be easy. not at all. and even when we're doing what we think he wants us to do, we're liable to fall apart still. God's not some magic glue or insurance that has like, guarantees that you'll be oh-so-fine and happy all the time, 100% or your money back. we're people with so many vulnerabilities, too many vulnerabilities. we're liable and entitled to lose our way once in a while. it's not wrong to cry, it's not wrong to be weak, it's not wrong to admit that you're not okay. it's perfectly fine.

i'm not okay. i'm crying. i'm weak. i don't despise me. i know i'm gonna be fine. not now, not tomorrow even, maybe. i don't know when, but i know with quiet certainty.

asking God to take it all away so that you don't have to hurt anymore and hearing that no, it's not time yet - is possibly one of the hardest things in the world to hear. asking God if it's what he wants of me to leave it all behind to make my own life easier and hearing that no, you have to stay where you are for now and just trust in my grace is also possibly one of the hardest things in life to hear. asking God why the heck he's allowing me to be put through all this pain and hearing that you were born specifically to learn how to love and love in that way when you realise how it is is possibly one of the most humbling things to hear. asking God why won't he take what i feel away so i won't hurt so much anymore and hearing that you love because i loved you first is one of the most difficult things to listen to when you feel so tired as it is already.

but through this all, God wants us to realise how much he loves each and every one of us. God wanted me to realise how much he loved me. how completely, how unconditionally, how irrationally, especially. as Brother Michael Broughton so nicely put it, i'm a bastard. i don't deserve God's love at all. not one bit. i'm a fool for not realising how much he loves me, and he loves me even when i don't want him to. i don't deserve any of God's love. and yet, he loves me! as i said, irrationally.

for me now, i'm learning that. learnt that. both.

when you love someone who doesn't deserve any of it, you learn to love as God does. as much as it is a beautiful and encouraging thing to know, it is also an extremely painful thing to know. it makes zero sense to the brain. it defies logic. it makes me frustrated with me, terribly.

but at the end of the day, when i'm challenged why, i know it's because God loved me first. it's as simple as that, really. God loved me this way first because he wants me to love this way too. when someone hurts you, subconsciously or otherwise, when someone rejects you not once, not twice, but countless times - the kneejerk reaction would be anger for the slight on your pride, then retaliation to get back at the person, or perhaps it could be a complete cold shoulder because you're just so tired of it. but when you love someone the way God means us to, it becomes so different. the person's reaction doesn't matter, the person's actions don't change anything. you love the person for everything he is, and it doesn't matter if he loves you too or otherwise. it really really doesn't. that's love through the world's eyes. it's only love if it's two-way. it's not wrong, don't get me wrong. it's beautiful when there are two people who really love each other. but it becomes tainted with the possibility that you're only loving the person cos the person loves you too, it's so easy to love when there's reciprocation or receptivity.

challenge yourself to love someone who doesn't do these - who doesn't reciprocate, who doesn't love you too, who hurts you over and over again, who may not care about you the way you want he/she to care for you, who you know with every cell in your brain does NOT deserve your love at all.

i promise you, you'll never see God's love in the same light again. God's love is exactly like that, and when you appreciate the tremendous effort and pain you experience while you're doing it, you'll appreciate the magnitude of God's love for each and every one of us. for me.

i understand that this is what i have to go through to realise how much God loves me. to know with both heart and head how much i'm loved by God. because i'm fundamentally a logical person. i was born and brought up to use my brains to reason things out. and because i know God loves me so much, i choose to love that person in the same way - because i love God.

tell me i'm wrong and i'll sock you. i've never been so sure about something in my entire life before, never believed in something so wholeheartedly before. it's heartbreaking that my conviction had to come at such cost, at such pain and hurt to so many people, to me. and yet, it's also heartbreaking that my salvation had to come at such cost - Jesus's death on the cross.

God loves me and so i choose to love the same way.

it's a choice i have to remake almost every moment of my life, it's a choice i made at the cost of my own well-being. i'm broken, i admit it. i'm all over the place and in a million pieces, and i'm still gathering the pieces.

but everything i'm experiencing was affirmed by Brother Michael's session last Sunday - when you learn to love someone, you learn to live for someone else other than yourself. you put the other person's well-being and comfort before your own, all the time. it's dying to yourself actually, cos it's a fundamental human instinct to strive for our own well-being first.

the tears that keep welling up in my eyes are a reminder of my human frailty. the anger in that instant was a reminder of my human pride. the underlying love i feel in spite of everything, in spite of the hurt and irrationality of it all - is a reminder of God's love for me.

On My Cross
by FFH

how wide is your love
that you would stretch your arms
and go around the world
and why for me would a Saviour's cry be heard?

i don't know why you went where i was meant to go.
i don't know why you love me so.

those were my nails
that was my crown
that pierced your hands and your brow
those were my thorns
those were my scorns
those were my tears that fell down
and just as you said it would be
you did it all for me
after you counted the cost
you took my shame,
my blame -

on my cross.

how deep is your grace
that you could see my need
and choose to take my place
and then for me, these words i'd hear you say:
"Father, no,
forgive them, for they know not what they do
i will go,
-because i love them so."

*kel

The Biggest Cross I've discovered

Finally!!! A picture of us. (kel in black, Julie in green, Jerry in red and myself in blue)





Hey everyone once again,

A big sigh of relief after completing my 3 months of basic military training and thank God for the block leave I am having now. Would like to share with all of you my day at lunch today (doesn't like really exciting ya?)

When I was having lunch with my dad today at a hawker centre, I noticed this man having this spread of food laid on the table and he was gobbling down the food at such a fast pace.

The truth is that the spread of food was made of scraps that people had left behind after their meals.

This sight wrenched my heart and this plight I've witnessed countless of it in just the past 5 days.It just makes me realised how heavy the crosses of these people are and life must be such a torture to them. I guess it feels like a purgatory on Earth itself. This period of Lent has really gave me new insights in life and has shown me the things I've to treasure. Knowing that I've to part with my family one day makes the cross much heavier and knowing that the Giver is more important than the Gifts doesn't ease the burden any lesser. The journey towards Him can be so difficult at times and He has indeed opened my eyes this time to show me that everything I owned- From my head to toe and the clothes on my back, is a miracle in itself.



Waiting to rise up as a New Creation@ Easter,

Joel

surprise me please!

hello!

this blog has been dead for 3 months. but not anymore! i'm back - wiser, more loving, and yet not any less foolhardy than i was, i think.

since the last time i've posted here, i've been journeying with my dear Lord quite a fair bit. i won't say i've grown, but i've definitely deepened my relationship with him, and this deepening of my walk with God has been almost exponential. every night before i sleep now, i always always tell God: thank you, God, for letting me walk with you up till now. thank you, God, for everything you've given me in my life.

i think it's a mark of how far along i've journeyed in my faith cos now i always manage to thank God wholeheartedly and sincerely for every single thing in my life. even the bad things, even the trials, even the times when i'm sad - i never fail to praise and thank God for every little happening. sometimes, it becomes mundane, thinking about all the things that've happened throughout my day and listing everything out in my head, thanking God for each one of them. but then, i think the whole process of turning inward and looking back on every little moment in my life in the day helps a lot. it makes me a lot more introspective, it makes me more aware of what i do, say, think or feel and more aware of me, basically. and as i recall moments that've passed in the day, i either smile or cry at the memory and then thank God for it, cos it means i've lived through another day, with every possibility of facing a brand new day.

and every night when i pray, i pray that God will surprise me in whatever i do. surprise me with his blessings, surprise me with his love, anything. i know God has so much in store for me and everyone of us, it's up to me to want to receive everything he has for me. it's like the gifts are already there in front of me, i'll only get to enjoy the gifts for what they are when i stretch out my hands to want to get them. it's the desire that's so important. and that desire essentially stems from my disposition. if i'm in the disposition to want to seek God with all my heart, the desire will naturally follow.

as i struggle through each day and i make it through each day, battered, tired, and bruised, sometimes all i wanna do is give up. it's a constant struggle to keep wanting to do the Godly thing, to keep wanting to do the loving thing, to keep wanting to be good. it's as hard to do all these per se as it is to want to do these. see the difference? the difference is in the attitude behind our actions. i could think of a million other things to do that would make me very happy in the worldly sense, temporarily. i could scream expletives for release, i could turn my heel and just walk away from everything, i could give in to my human desires and just enjoy people's company without worrying about anything. so many things i could do - and yet i don't do any of them, because i don't want to. it's in the disposition, as i said. i could do all these, and i could do all these wanting to do them.

do i make sense?

in a certain way, i think this is how God is moulding me in my life to become who he meant me to be. the fieriness of character, the temper that would blow at the snap of a finger, the tongue that would lash out even when it's completely uncalled for, the quick and sometimes merciless judgement passed when i feel wronged, the poison i could drip from just a mere look, the coldness of my entire being when i force myself not to care anymore - all these are being tempered in me gradually. no, not erased or wiped clean, tempered. God uses these traits in me to do his work. it's like fire, it can be used for good things, or it can be used to do harm. it brings life in the heat it provides, it keeps us alive because it cooks food and kills the germs that would do our digestive systems harm. and yet, fire kills so indiscriminately too. fires that burn down entire houses, fires that burn the skin off people and melt their innards, fire that consumes everything. see what i mean? character traits in all of us can be used to do good and bad. often when we use them for our own means, we often end up using them to do not so nice things. but when we offer up our characteristics as people to God, he can use them to do marvellous things. just sit back and be surprised by what he shows you.


*kel