i make a vow -
my life will always honour Christ, whether i live or die
i belong to him, he bore my sin
i owe this life to my saving King
i am not my own, you are in control
for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain
no matter what price i pay
i choose to give this life away

i've heard these song lyrics a million times over and sung it another million times over. but what does it mean, really? to ascertain that dying is gaining, to choose to give our life away- isn't it fundamentally against what we all think, that our lives are of utmost importance? we all tend to overestimate our own self-importance, placing our lives and our problems before God and even before our friends'. we all like to be in control. i like to be in control of my own life. my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my actions, my sadness, my happiness, my life. but a lot of the times, i lose control over any of the aspects i so badly want control over. and who do i lose control to? i lose control over my feelings because it's all so irrational and illogical, nothing makes sense and i can't control something i can't comprehend. but the bottomline is, it isn't the same as losing control to God. to surrendering to God everything in your life, my life. losing control of your emotions and letting them get the better of you causes imprisonment, devastation, confusion over your inabiliity to get a hold of yourself. surrendering your emotions to God gives you, me, freedom, clarity of mind, a peace that the world cannot give.

i've allowed myself to be so self-consumed in my feelings of jealousy, hurt and confusion lately that i forgot that God is here to accept all these negative feelings should i want to give them up to him.

"purify me, God. i want to be holy."

but do i really? oftentime, i pay lip service but where's my heart? i say i want to be holy, i want to be purified, but at the same time i refuse to surrender my negativities to God because warped as it may sound, i want to hold on to it. because of some semblance of familiarity, because of someone grim satisfaction at knowing i feel depressed, because of some human-fed deluded wishes, whatever.

last night as i tossed and turned in bed trying not to think about the conversation that had transpired before, i kept crying out to God to take all my upsets and hurts and give me peace the next morning when i got up. as my tears fell on my pillow, i hugged my bolster tighter and tried not to think about the words that hurt: "i think i may like her"

for the first time in God knows when (no pun intended heh), i had an intense conversation with God. i poured my heart out, even though i know He already knows exactly what i was going to say. He seemed to just be there listening to me and nodding with a sad smile on His face, a smile that said, you know why you're going through the same thing again. you're too stubborn, you need to go through the same thing over and over again to learn. and the verse from Ecclesiastes 3 came to my mind.

15: Whatever happens or can happened has already happened before. God makes the same thing happen again and again.

yes, thanks a lot God, i thought. i don't need so many lessons to learn something. these lessons are painful you know, they hurt. but sometimes we need the pain to remember. like how a child doesn't put his hand into a fire because he might have done it before and he knows it's hot. he KNOWS it's hot. he learns through pain. i have to learn through pain too. i have to learn how to surrender every aspect of my life to God and not give Him one part but think, no, i want to keep my feelings for someone to myself. and oh umm no, i think i will keep control over my feelings, thank you God. it doesn't work that way.


Covenant" by Sr. Margaret Halaska"

The Father knocks at my door, seeking a home for his son:

Rent is cheap, I say.

I don’t want to rent.
I want to buy, says God.

I’m not sure I want to sell,
but you might come in to look around.

I think I will, says God.

I might let you have a room or two.

I like it, says God.
I’ll take the two.
You might decide to give me more some day.
I can wait, says God.

I’d like to give you more,
but it’s a bit difficult.
I need some space for me.

I know, says God, but I’ll wait.
I like what I see.

Hm, maybe I can let you have another room.
I really don’t need that much.

Thanks, says God, I’ll take it.
I like what I see.

I’d like to give you the whole house,
but I’m not sure...

Think on it, says God.
I wouldn’t put you out.
Your house would be mine and my son would live in it.
You’d have more space than you’d ever had before.

I don’t understand at all.

I know, says God, but I can’t tell you about that.
You’ll have to discover it for yourself.
That can only happen if you let him have the whole house.

A bit risky, I say.

Yes, says God, but try me.

I’m not sure—I’ll let you know.

I can wait, says God.
I like what I see.



a very apt poem from a friend's blog (http://godsrhinos.blogspot.com) that so aptly describes my very thoughts. i want to give God every room in my house, every inch of my heart. but i daren't sometimes. a bit risky, i say. but God can wait, He has been waiting. who likes losing control over their lives? especially since the experience of losing control can be so unpleasant in our secular world. but losing control to God is different i say.



Lord, i offer up all my sadness, my disappointments, my anger to You because it is in You i find solace in. You are my hiding place, keep me safe, please.



*kelly.

it's been suchhhhhh a long time since i've blogged here. haven't been struck by anything until now, and to be honest, i've been a more than a little dry spiritually ever since school started and my life took a turn for the busy.

ironic isn't it, how i'm finally sitting down to blog here when i'm sick and unable to go to tutorial. haha. i think God allowed me to fall ill so i'll finally take a breather from my hectic life, so that i can take a step back from all i've been doing lately and just reflect on it all slowly in bed without having to rush from one class to another.

i haven't made some huge discovery of the century or anything. it isn't even the hugest discovery of my life. but it's a tiny revelation that helped explain to myself some things that have happened, some things i've been doing.

i've always thought myself to be self-sufficient. an independent girl, if you'd like. not in the material sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. i'd always motivated myself, never needed much company and could entertain myself pretty well. i didn't like it when people who loved me expressed their concern over something i was or was not doing, cos i had and still have this 'why should you bother about my life?' attitude. i never thought i'd need any much more love in life cos i thought i had all the love i'd possibly want or need. my family loved me, the friends who mattered loved me too - and that was all i thought i'd need.

but i was wrong. deep down inside, i craved a lot more love than i was receiving. i think it's human nature to want to be loved, it's innate in each one of us. i never wanted to think about it cos i thought it was a weakness to express this need to others. i'd always scorned those girls who wanted or needed a boyfriend by their side to keep them company; i'd always thought to myself: i'll never be as weak as them to fall in love with someone else. i think God's laughing at me now though, cos what i thought i'd never need or want has become something i do need and want. i do need love, i want to be loved. so maybe i'm weak, but i've always been, i just never wanted to reveal my vulnerability even though it was always there.

upon further reflection, i think that even though it is a human want to love and be loved in return, this desire for love ultimately reflects my innermost desire to experience the perfect love of God, that only He can give. human love is transient, God's love is eternal. human love is fickle, God's love is steadfast and endures. human love is tempered by lust, God's love is pure. human love is painful sometimes, God's love heals. but i won't be idealistic and say that i'm able to forgo the love that people can offer and seek only God's love for me, because i know in all honesty that i'm not ready for that now. but i do know that i want to fall in love with God so fully one day and be enraptured by His love for me - one day.

i was in Chelsa's room earlier this week and i chanced upon this song. and i think it's really apt to describe my particular state of mind now. i didn't know how apt it'd be then, i just copied out the lyrics and stuck it on my notice board cos something just made me do it. i think i know what it was that made me do it now:

God wanted me to look at the words everyday when i sit at my table to do my work so that it will strike me one day that really really, God's love is all i need in the world.
that i'll know it with my heart one day, and not just with my head.


*****


Take Me Deeper

There is a longing
Only You can fill
A raging tempest
Only You can still
My soul is thirsting, Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before Your throne

Take me deeper,
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper,
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

Sunrise to sunrise
I can see Your face
Drawn by the Spirit
To the promise of Your grace
My heart has found in You
A hope that will abide
Here in Your presence
Forever satisfied

Take me deeper,
Deeper in love with You
Jesus, hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper,
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love.

*kelly.