The hollowing out process has been a lot more painful than I'd imagined it would be.
Very ugly truths about myself have been surfacing at an alarming pace - leaving me feeling absolutely horrified at myself and terribly drained out.
I know this whole process of dredging up what's less than Godly in myself and making myself acknowledge their existence is completely necessary if I am to be remoulded into what He wants.
But recently, I've been grappling with the possibility that I may not even want to be remoulded and reshaped into something more beautiful, that He has had planned for me.

To use the analogy of sweeping dust under the carpet.. I think I've been constantly sweeping all the dust under the carpet, so much so that my carpet is so full of dust - it's one foot off the ground, balancing on all that dust. And yet, I refuse to lift the carpet up to sweep out all the dust. I keep sweeping more dust there, and cockroaches and lizards are beginning to lay eggs there already.
So what do I do from here?
I'm not making time for QT with God because I don't want to hear what He has to say.
Which I'm realizing is an extremely stupid thing to be doing.
My own human pride and ego has just been overwhelmingly loud these last few weeks.
I'm so comfortable coughing in my own sea of dust that I don't want God to help me sweep out all the dust anymore. I don't want to stop coughing, I don't want to be healed though I'm not well.
WHICH, NOW THAT I'VE REALISED. IS VERY SILLY.

I know exactly why I've been filling all my days to the brim with back-to-back activities.
It's not really to quash out the emptiness, cos that isn't exactly the word to describe my current state now.
It's more of an excuse so I won't have to listen to God talking to me. Because I didn't want to hear what He has to say. I'm so afraid of what I'll hear.
Daniel said something yesterday about how people busy themselves to fill up the emptiness in their lives; it's curing the symptom but not the actual illness.
After mulling over that last night, I know what I have to do even though I may want so badly to just run away.
Thinking about it, hall may have even been a perfect escape route for me. Because if I'm not physically around, it's a lot less difficult.
But is that really the right thing to do?
I'm treating the symptoms but leaving the root untouched, decaying and rotten.

I'm not going to pretend that I've suddenly been empowered to do the necessary things after this post. I've gone past that stage of pretending.
But I've finally verbalised my thoughts and acknowledged to the world that I am running away, which is a step.
Baby step, perhaps. But I'm getting there slowly.


*kelly.

How Amazing!

HELLO UNIVERSE! (:
This entry is really a cut short version! Anyway it's been say about 5 days since I've came back from YES retreat, which simply stands for Youth Empowered by the Spirit! (: This camp has proven to me to be extremely different from the previous ones that I've attended. Why different? In David's words "the earth didn't move". Its simply means that the way God came to touch our hearts weren't drastic like how we always think it should be. We always preconceive the idea of God coming down being very grand, the heavens opening etc!

The camp has left me feeling extremely drained, exhausted, stressed and everything your imagination can offer, I might have felt that way! The four days was a journey for me reflecting whether I have taken on too much and saying yes to everything and the part on trying to strive for perfection. Frankly speaking, the four days were as though I was still stuck at the bottom of the mountain while others was rock climbing up reaching to the highest of highest. I stayed in the same spot till the end of the camp. But now reflecting back as I type this reflection out, these past 5 days since the camp, it has been remarkable. Instead of the four days at camp that I should be rock climbing up the mountain, it became the next 5 days that I started to climb the mountains! The 5 days for me was a personal journey with the Lord, learning a bit more about myself, who I am, and what I am made to do. Definitely I didn't learn them on my own, He sent wonderful people to help me along the way, the close friends who walked with me through this, the friend who woke me up again, and so many more. (Thank You Lord for sending them!)

I remember during one of the nights I spent time sharing with one of my new friend over supper and basically through her I saw the bigger picture and I understood clearer. And I like to mention the one that struck me the most throughout that conversation which is the one about Peter walking on the water towards Jesus (Matthew 14). When he first walked on the water, he was steady and it was as though he was on cement, and at that point his eyes were fixed on Jesus. But once he shifted that focus to the waters and thunders, he began to sink. And what’s the point of bringing this up, is that we should focus on Jesus, because we know that by focusing on Him, even if we were walking of egg shells, it wouldn't worry us! I need to focus on Him, everyone needs to because we tend to get distracted by the world, the media etc. Guess this is going to be a huge challenge for me, especially since when my attention span is so short and I tend to get bored fast, it would be hard for me to focus on one thing, which is HIM. But I'm sure He will grant me the grace and the strength because" I can do EVERYTHING through Christ who strengthens me"(Philippians 4:13) (:

God definitely works in different ways that are super unexpected, in ways that surprises us and it simply leaves me speechless because it’s really INDESCRIBABLE! Even though the 4 days didn't work out for me, even though I was almost good as a dead object, even though I was stuck at the same spot, by His grace, I began to climb!! God came, not through baptism, not through praying over etc, not the dynamic ways but in simple ways like through my close friends. "The earth didn't move" like David mentioned! And I fully agree.
I still am climbing this mountain and I know I'll never stop!

"Dear Lord, I'm simply amazed by your love. I'm amazed and stunned at how you work and intricately plan us! And I cannot help but say I love you! (:
Like how that nice song, my destiny by McPhee goes (I edited a bit though):

I have always dreamed of this
I'll admit there was something I missed
Wondering if this is for real
Every mistake every wrong turn
Everytime i lost my way
Have actually lead me to this
Moment of bliss in time
With you Lord, finally I can break free
With you Lord, there's a change
Its so funny now that I see
How different life turned out to be
And You were always by my side
That you believed in me was enough reason why
I didn't stop,though sometimes I gave up
Even if i sometimes lost hope
I did my best, and I am blessed
with your love

I never could have done it without you
I realised that it's my destiny
I realised that serving you is my destiny
Its what I'm created for. "


- julie